Bad Kelsey: The End of Earnest Yetbadd

[cliffette]

(Sorry about this)


"Oh, Kelsey." Merena shook her head and unsheathed her hunting knife. "You’re forgetting the rules."

"And the first rule would be, (Feed <CHARNAME> some honeycomb)?" Kelsey grinned nervously.

Merena rolled her eyes and resheathed her knife, wishing she'd seen a psychiatrist for this peculiar constant-unsheathing-of-knife ailment.

"How could you forget, dear?" Her voice was dangerously soft. "The first rule is that you can't go back to the sword coast without appropriate clothing." She snapped her fingers and BAM! Kelsey was sporting a tutu.

He looked at his legs, thinly sheathed in gauzy pink. "Dear, I think you've forgotten something."

Merena cursed and snapped her fingers again. Glitterdust sprinkled from the ceiling and sparkled around Kelsey's body, some of it settling prettily into the folds of tulle. When the last of it had settled, Kelsey nodded with approval at the soft ballerina slippers he was wearing. "You've surpassed yourself, Merena!"

"I'm glad you feel comfortable," Merena said, her eyes narrowing, "Because the second rule is that if you're going to get involved with people - or what pass for people - from Baldur's Gate, you'd better check who else lives here."

He felt a cold chill run down his spine, though it might have been some residual glitterdust making its way down his tunic, "And uh- who else lives here, my favorite heroine?"

Merena unsheathed her hunting knife, then quickly resheathed it. "Precautions first, my love," she whispered. Looking up to the heavens, she appealed to the newest god to join the Forgotten Realms pantheon. "Alt Effour! Shadowkeeper, grant me priestly powers, rel oh dgaam!"

The room blacked out, then spun back into focus. Kelsey looked around in alarm, but the only change was that Merena now wore a cleric's robe. She appealed to Shadowkeeper once more, her hands spread wide in a gesture of devotion. A ball of light flashed between her fingers and leapt to the ground near Kelsey. The floorboards cracked and green tendrils poked through the gap, then wound their way around his legs. To his horror, the glowing fronds obscured the ballet slippers from view.

"NOOOOOOOOOO, MERENA, YOU CAN'T!" he screamed.

"Gawd, Kelsey, I haven't even gotten to the worst part yet," she pouted, "As I was saying, the second rule is that you should check who else lives in Baldur's Gate before you let your pee-pee go wandering."

Merena strode towards the bedroom door and uttered a spell. Kelsey strained against the vines to hear the words she was saying. It wasn't quite a 'summon demon' spell, nor was it quite a 'summon animals' spell...

He felt more glitterdust run down his spine as the door began to glow. Merena finished her spell and stepped back, her hand on the doorknob. Behind the door, he heard the clank of heavy armour, the dull thud of a large sword hitting the floor and a deep yet distinctly female voice mutter, "What in the hells am I doing here? When I find who's responsible, I'll slit him open from neck to knee!"

"Kelsey, my love, I think you should meet my best friend from Baldur's Gate." Merena smiled and opened the door, "I think she'd be very interested in hearing what you've been up to these last few weeks..."