Author Topic: Cloakwood Squares, Game 2  (Read 10529 times)

Offline jcompton

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Cloakwood Squares, Game 2
« on: April 02, 2004, 11:38:14 AM »
From, Solaufein!

From Fentan Knights, Mazzy Fentan!

From Candlekeep, Imoen!

From House DeVir, Viconia DeVir!

Formerly of Suldenesselar, Jon Irenicus!

From the Order of the Most Radiant Heart, Anomen Delryn!

From the Copper Coronet, Hendak!

From the All New Odd Couple, Korgan Bloodaxe and Aerie!

And from Rashemen and the Center Square, Minsc...and Boo!


Code: [Select]
Solaufein    Korgan & Aerie    Imoen

Irenicus      Minsc & Boo      Anomen

Mazzy            Hendak        Viconia

And here's the master of the Cloakwood Squares, our host, Lord Keldorn Firecam!

Keldorn: Greetings and welcome, good folk, to another edition of Cloakwood Squares.

(Audience applauds)

Keldorn: Lord X this evening, our returning champion, is a self-described "poet and lover." Salvanas, we welcome you back to the program.

Salvanas: Oh, the pleasure is all mine, Lord Keldorn. I see the squares--or is it the stars?--are in a more curvaceously pleasing configuration this eve, with more lovelies than when last we met. Regardless of your questions, I am a winner already!

Keldorn: Indeed, good sir.

Keldorn: Our Lady Circle this evening is Weathermistress Ada of the Temple of Talos in Athkatla.

Ada: Those who bluff me will feel the electric sting of my lord and master!

Keldorn: 'Tis merely a game, my lady.

Keldorn: As you know, our contest of knowledge and honor ends in victory for the contestant who captures three squares across, up and down, or diagonally. Each game is worth 100 gold. In addition, one of our squares is the Secret Square.

Minsc: Hello! Is Boo the secret square? We will tell you as soon as we know the secret!

Keldorn: If a player selects the Secret Square and is correct, they will receive an exciting prize package. Sarevok, please inform the audience of today's Secret Square prize.

Sarevok: It's an uncontested march across the plains of Sembia!

(Audience ooohs)

Sarevok: Yes, you and a companion will receive a 10-day, all-expense paid trip, complete with regimental backup. You'll enjoy peasants cowering in your wake as you approach the walls of Ordulin and lay siege to the capital city. Once the city falls you will enjoy all the fruits of Sembia, including wine, companionship, and the right to install a puppet council.

Keldorn: I believe Sarevok is mistaken. My notes reflect that the prize is a ferry tour of the ports of Amn. We shall correct this irregularity at once.

Keldorn: Salvanas, as our returning champion, the honor is yours.

Salvanas: I shall begin with the dangerous dusky maiden Viconia. For her cooperation in this game, I am unworthy. For a lock of her pearlescent hair, I would carve out my own heart.

(Audience applauds)

Viconia: Allow me to spare you the effort.

(Audience laughs uneasily)

Keldorn: Drow, if I were a grain merchant in the City of Coin, what would you expect to find in my pocket?

Viconia: Were you anything but a shriveled pious hypocrite, I would expect it to be a firm indication that you were pleased to see me.

(Audience laughs)

Viconia: My brief grubby tenure laboring my farm on your hellish surface taught me something of these ways. The grain merchants carry sticks of charcoal for marking their sacks and crates.

Keldorn: Salvanas, do you agree or disagree?

Salvanas: Those wet, pouty lips, the softness of her hands... how could I do other than agree?

Keldorn: I am afraid neither of your intentions were pure in this matter. Nay, grain merchants carry their own weights, for cross-checking the scales of their buyers. Circle gets the square.

Code: [Select]
Solaufein    Korgan & Aerie    Imoen

Irenicus      Minsc & Boo      Anomen

Mazzy            Hendak        Viconia

Keldorn: Lady Ada, it is your move.

Ada: I will take the addled one. His antics with the small creature amuse me.

Keldorn: Very good. Minsc?

Minsc: Minsc and Boo are ready to answer your questions!

Keldorn: Minsc, a gambler offers you a wager. You will each bet one gold piece and roll two dice. If your dice total 7, you will win the pot. If his dice total 2, 3, or 4, he will win the wager. Any other result and you each take back your gold piece, no win and no loss. The dice are not loaded to favor any outcome. Is this a fair bet?

Minsc: Minsc and Boo are not afraid of being outnumbered! The gambler may have his 2, 3, and 4, as well as a horde of goblins! The only safe bet is that all evil cheaters will find justice traveling swiftly on the heel of my boot!

(Audience cheers)

Keldorn: Your enthusiasm is appreciated, but a simple "yes" or "no" will suffice, Minsc.

Minsc: Yes. Of course. Boo thinks you are very strange to not have understood that in the first place.

(Audience laughs)

Keldorn: Lady Ada, Minsc says that it would be a fair bet. Do you agree, or disagree?

Ada: It defies all sense to listen to that man-mountain, but he may just be right. Yes, I agree. Talos take your hamster if you are wrong!

Keldorn: Indeed. The odds of rolling a 7, or the odds of a 2, 3, or 4, are the same. The wager is a fair one, and circle takes the square.

Code: [Select]
Solaufein    Korgan & Aerie    Imoen

Irenicus      Minsc & Boo      Anomen

Mazzy            Hendak        Viconia

Keldorn: Your choice seems obvious, Salvanas.

Salvanas: What? Why, it is torturously difficult!

Imoen: You know what's coming, right?

Aerie: I--I think so...

Keldorn: But...

Salvanas: Oh, ladies, you tug and tear at my heart... but ah, as much as I may stray, I will always crawl back over shards of broken glass to be with my Imoen once more.

Imoen: I knew it.

(Audience laughs)

Keldorn: Now, Imoen--

Imoen: Awww, come on. Do I really have to help this guy? He's sooooo annoying. Can't I answer a question for Creepy McLightningbolts over there instead?

(Audience laughs)

Keldorn: Nay, Imoen, you know the rules of the game. You have been chosen by Lord X. You may answer however you see fit, for the final outcome is in his hands.

Imoen: Oh, all right.

Keldorn: Very good. Imoen, if you stocked your larder with salt pork, flat bread, and honey, which would spoil last?

Imoen: Does Mrs. Firecam know you ask young women such personal questions?

(Audience laughs)

Keldorn: Imoen!

Imoen: Only teasing. Um. Well, Anomen's idea of "cooking" one night was to give me this hunk of salt pork which, I swear, he must have been hoarding since he got his first haircut--

Anomen: Lies, slander, pay no attention to her.

(Audience laughs)

Imoen: --so, I'll bet that it would be the salt pork that spoiled last. Yeah.

Keldorn: Salvanas, Imoen believes the salt pork is the most resilient food.

Salvanas: Oh, Imoen, sweet Imoen, if every word from your lips were not laced with the delectable taste of honey I might not know better, but... Lord Keldorn, I disagree.

Keldorn: Indeed. Honey may never spoil at all. X gets the square.

Imoen: Good. Fine. Whatever. Just keep him from talking to me again.

Salvanas: Oh, fair Imoen. Do not be cross with me because I disagreed!

Code: [Select]

Solaufein    Korgan & Aerie    Imoen

Irenicus      Minsc & Boo      Anomen

Mazzy            Hendak        Viconia

Keldorn: Weathermistress, select a square.

Ada: I can tell that the dark heart he suppresses yearns to aid me in victory. I will take Solaufein for the win.

Keldorn: Very good, my lady. Solaufein, are you prepared?

Solaufein: I answer all questions that I must, when I must.

(Audience groans)

Keldorn: Indeed, you do.

Keldorn: Solaufein, you are on the ocean, and you happen upon two Sahuagin warriors. How can you tell which is older?

Solaufein: Ahhh. They say the point demons guard is an ocean grave, for all the brave.

Solaufein: The elder Sahuagin will always stand in the lead position. They are an obsessive people.

Ada: I know nothing of vile fish creatures. Very well, I agree.

Keldorn: My apologies, lady Ada. Younger Sahuagin tend to have banding or spotting, which fade as the creature ages. X gets the square.

Code: [Select]
  X                              X
Solaufein    Korgan & Aerie    Imoen

Irenicus      Minsc & Boo      Anomen

Mazzy            Hendak        Viconia

Korgan: Better get ready, girlie. It'll be yer turn to fly soon! Hahahahah!

Aerie: Ooooooooh...

Keldorn: Select a square, Master Salvanas. Our Secret Square remains unrevealed.

Salvanas: Oh, yes, please, allow me to win by scoring with Aerie! I mean, ask the question of the fair elf maiden, so that I may win and we may play again!

Aerie: Ooooh! I-I don't know HOW I got talked into sitting in this awful square surrounded by such hideous men!

Korgan: Ye hear that, Solaufein? I don't think the wounded duck likes ye very much!

Aerie: That was NOT what I meant and you know it!

Keldorn: Aerie, please, calm yourself.

Keldorn: Your question is this: Which is safe, placing a portable hole inside a bag of holding, or placing a bag of holding inside a portable hole?

Korgan: Hah! Sounds like both are a recipe for crispy critters, if ye ask me. Ah, but you'll be wantin' to ask the weepy wizardess. What do I know, I'm just a cold-blooded killer.

Aerie: W-well--

Korgan: Don't ruin it for him, now, girlie!

Aerie: Would you just shut up?!? I need to think!

Minsc: Don't make Minsc and Boo come up there!

(Audience whistles)

Aerie: I've never seen a portable hole before but I do know they're dangerous... but the bag of holding is powerful as well... I... I suppose it might be better if you put the bag of holding inside the portable hole. B-but I don't know why.

Keldorn: That is not required, Aerie. Thank you for your answer.

Keldorn: Salvanas, Aerie says that placing the bag of holding inside the portable hole is safe.

Salvanas: How could I doubt such a face? Such a body? Such a magnificent woman! Yes, gods yes, I agree! Let us settle this quickly and be about the congratulatory kissing!

Keldorn: Nay. Both combinations cause violent destruction. Neither is safe.

Korgan: Hah! Ye cocked it up!

Aerie: B-but that wasn't a choice!

Minsc: Who is being mean to nice girls up there? Don't think Minsc's boot can't kick through the floor of your square!

Keldorn: Trick questions are allowed in this game, Aerie. Do not take it hard. Circle gets the square.

Code: [Select]
  X                O            X
Solaufein    Korgan & Aerie    Imoen

Irenicus      Minsc & Boo      Anomen

Mazzy            Hendak        Viconia

Ada: Chaos shall reign! Hendak for the win!

Hendak: Yes! Ve shall see if you vill be ze vinner!

Anomen: Now, just one moment here, Lord Keldorn. I bypassed a golden opportunity to play Password opposite the fetching Lady Irlana today to honor YOUR invitation. Now I have sat here for quite some time and not been asked a single question! I demand you instruct your contestants to select me at once!

(Audience laughs)

Keldorn: Patience, young Anomen. The game must unfold as the players see fit. It is not for you or I to interfere.

Keldorn: Now then, Hendak. You are recently of the tavern-keeping business.

Hendak: Yes, ve serve better vine now than when zat scoundrel Lehtinan kept vimmin in the cells!

Keldorn: Which of these beverages contains alcohol? Barley punch, an Afterglow, or a Tarantula?

Hendak: Barley... yes... some veeks ve vere lucky if zat fiend gave us any grain at all. I leave the running of ze bar to Bernard. But zis one, I think I know. Barley is used to make strong drinks but barley punch is not an alcoholic brew. Perhaps it is ze Afterglow with ze alcohol.

Ada: The Stormlord concocts far stronger brews than this man ever could, but perhaps he knows his trade. I agree.

Keldorn: I fear the correct answer was the Tarantula. X gets the square.

Code: [Select]
  X                O            X
Solaufein    Korgan & Aerie    Imoen

Irenicus      Minsc & Boo      Anomen

                    X            O
Mazzy            Hendak        Viconia

Imoen: Better brace yourself down there, Mazzy.

Keldorn: Lord Salvanas, pick a square.

Salvanas: Were she an answer to a prayer, she could not be more perfect, more delectably compact than the groundflower that is Mazzy.

(Audience awwwwws)

Mazzy: Good heavens.

Keldorn: Steady on, Mazzy girl. 'Tis a minor challenge compared to the adversity you have overcome.

Keldorn: Now then. Aside from foul undead, what other being may be turned by a priest of sufficient favor with his god?

Mazzy: Why... why, I hesitate to even think it, Lord Keldorn, but you know as well as I that a true paladin may be turned by a sufficiently black-hearted cleric.

Keldorn: Salvanas, Mazzy says that paladins may be turned.

Salvanas: Truly, I am not worthy to walk in her shadow. Er, that is, if it were late in the day and she were casting an especially long shadow. Yes, yes, I agree with my cuddly soldier for good.

Keldorn: You are correct. X gets the square.

Ada: Anyone care for a demonstration?

(Audience shifts nervously)

Keldorn: That will not be required, Weathermistress. Please keep your mind on the game, and select a square.

Code: [Select]
  X                O            X
Solaufein    Korgan & Aerie    Imoen

Irenicus      Minsc & Boo      Anomen

  X                X            O
Mazzy            Hendak        Viconia
Ada: Irenicus is all that stands between the proper outcome of this game and the studio being blasted to ruins! I take him for the block.

Keldorn: Please, Ada. This is meant to be a civil occasion. Very well. Jon Ir--

(Fanfare plays)

Keldorn: Ah! Irenicus is this evening's Secret Square!

(Audience cheers)

Irenicus: Your revelation is meaningless. All that remains now is revenge.

(Audience falls into frightened silence)

Keldorn: Nay, Irenicus, all that remains now is this question.

Keldorn: If today you and I each wake at exactly the same moment and fall asleep at exactly the same moment, but you cast ten Time Stop spells today, how much longer will you have been awake than I?

Irenicus: Long enough to cast Rapture Of the Father once more! You will suffer! You will all suffer!

(Audience begins to make for the exit)

Keldorn: Please, Irenicus. I must have an answer.

Irenicus: Time is of little use to me now, condemned to appear on quiz shows for eternity as I am. The answer "five minutes" will bring you no comfort or quarter.

Keldorn: I believe he says the answer is five minutes, Ada.

Ada: I do not think he even heard the question over his internal monologue. I disagree.

Keldorn: Quite right. Irenicus would only have a three-minute advantage on me. Circle gets the square, and Weathermistress Ada is the winner of the Secret Square prize package, which I am quite certain is merely a ferry tour of Amn's port cities.

Code: [Select]
  X                O            X
Solaufein    Korgan & Aerie    Imoen

  O                O
Irenicus      Minsc & Boo      Anomen

  X                X            O
Mazzy            Hendak        Viconia

Salvanas: Oh my. Not an attractive board at all. I'll take Anomen for the five-square win.

Anomen: You only selected me because there were no remaining squares to choose! And now I am expected to assist your cause? Bah!

Keldorn: Anomen, one of your companions is injured, so you wish to give him a lighter load to rest his arm. You have a bucket full of water, and an identical bucket, equally full with solid ice. Which bucket should you give him?

Anomen: Ice IS water. This is another one of those foolish trick questions, and I shall not play the fool. There is no difference, the man will suffer equally with either, they weigh the same.

Keldorn: Salvanas, Anomen says the two buckets weigh the same.

Salvanas: Oh, I find his case quite compelling. I agree!

Keldorn: Nay, I fear you are incorrect. Ice is less dense than water-that is why it floats in water.

Anomen: Blast!

Keldorn: Weathermistress, we cannot give you the square, you must earn the win yourself.

Ada: Distasteful though it is to align myself with Helmites, I choose Anomen for the win!

Keldorn: I am sure this can be settled without heresy on anyone's part. Anomen?

Anomen: What? You expect me to continue to participate in this mockery?

Imoen: What's the matter, Anomen? Can't take the pressure? Seems to me somebody was just complaining a few minutes ago that nobody wanted to ask him a question.

(Audience laughs)

Keldorn: Indeed. We will continue on until a contestant captures your square by correctly agreeing or disagreeing. Now then. Anomen, does Amn have more Council members, or does Thay have more Zulkirs?

Anomen: Foul reprobates, all of them. There are more Zulkirs than Council members, although I would not trust any of them to govern my chamber pot.

Ada: I agree!

Keldorn: Quite right. Eight Zulkirs rule Thay, while six sit on... well, the Council of Six, of course. Circle gets the square, and the win. Congratulations, Weathermistress!

Code: [Select]
  X                O            X
Solaufein    Korgan & Aerie    Imoen

  O                O            O
Irenicus      Minsc & Boo      Anomen

  X                X            O
Mazzy            Hendak        Viconia

Ada: Chaos reigns!

Minsc: Zzzzzz... what? What?!? Is there evil afoot? Is there another question? What has happened?

Salvanas: Oh, the pain. Instead of congratulatory kisses I fear I am in dire need of consolation cuddling. Mazzy, Aerie, dears... room 12 at the Coronet. I'll be on my bed... sighing in charming yet pitiable fashion..

Cloakwood Squares completists may be intrigued by this "unauthorized parody parody."

« Last Edit: April 26, 2004, 11:55:39 AM by jcompton »
Cespenar says, "Kelsey and friends be at the Pocket Plane? Ohhh yesssss!"