Kelsey’s smile dissolved as he walked down the dim corridor to Jan and Minsc’s room. He was barefoot, and the floor was cold; but his physical discomfort paled in comparison to his mental anguish. The journey down the hall seemed to take forever, but it was still all too short. He paused outside the dreaded door for a long time, listening to the muffled snores from within. Maybe Gloria will just fall back to sleep and forget about this, he thought hopefully. But he knew that hope was baseless; Gloria never gave up on anything. That was one of the things he usually loved about her. Better get it over with. He opened the door softly and tiptoed in.
The room very nearly rumbled with the sound of snoring from both Minsc’s bed against the left wall and Jan’s bed under a window in the back. And I thought sharing a room with Anomen was bad, Kelsey thought in amazement. Kelsey made his way quietly across the room to Jan’s bed; but as he passed Minsc’s, sharp pain coursed through his entire body. He gasped in anguish and fell to his knees.
“Ah-hah!” Jan shouted with glee. “My Jansen ears, ever vigilant even in sleep, hear an intruder of most dastardly proportions! I knew that trap of mine would thwart Boo-knappers! Auntie always said –“
Kelsey groaned at the thought of another Jan saying, but the pain that wracked his body made it impossible for him to speak.
“We must be able to SEE the evil to thwart it, small smart one!” Minsc interrupted. The pain in Kelsey’s body started to differentiate itself. His limbs seemed to be implanted with tiny knives. He couldn’t feel his feet or hands at all, a small blessing for which he supposed he ought to be greateful.
“Good point, large not-so-smart one! Even these gnomish eyes, so superior to large human ones, need time to pierce the darkness to see who the person now twitching on the ground is… another moment…no, it can’t be…uh-oh.” Kelsey’s stomach roiled as if it were filled with lava. “Before I light that candle, perhaps I could tell you of my second cousin thrice-removed, Lonny? She had a thriving waxing business among certain half-orc coastal tribes -“
“Boo says it is better to light a candle oneself than to curse the Jansens.” Kelsey squeezed his eyes shut as light flickered through the room. Even through his closed eyelids, the room was spinning. “Now,” Minsc continued, “we shall see who this dastardly villain who would rend Boo from his Minsc, and Minsc from his Boo, is! And this time, even if this villainous dastard is a pretty lady, we will show no mercy!” Minsc’s loud voice echoed through Kelsey’s head; he felt like a tuning fork being struck repeatedly against a brick. The ensuing swirling colors were very interesting. Whatever that damned turnip-loving thief did, he sure did a good job of it, he thought.
“Jan, why do you burrow under covers while evil is afoot?” Minsc asked. “I shall protect small ones from evil!” Kelsey’s shoulder muscles were clenched so tightly it felt like they were in a vice. “Though this evil is not large, but it is certainly larger than Jan and Boo. And red haired. And – wait! It is our sorcerous friend and Gloria’s love! Oh, how we have been betrayed, all of us, by such a wicked, wicked man, whose only goal in snuggling up to our best friend and most courageous heroine was to get Boo to snuggle for himself!”
Gods, it can get worse, Kelsey thought. “Minsc, wait -,” he croaked.
“I’m sure Kelsey can explain.” Jan’s voice was oddly muffled, yet it echoed in Kelsey’s ears like thunder. “Maybe he was charmed.”
“I do not think Gloria would have let her Kelsey be charmed; she would surely have thoroughly stomped anyone who tried such a thing,” Minsc said thoughtfully. “Though it does not seem that Kelsey would steal Boo.” Someone seemed to be placing pins between Kelsey’s vertebra. Large, spiked pins. “Gloria is smart, smarter even than the small one or the sorcerer, often even as smart as Boo. And the red-haired accounting sorcerer is our friend… perhaps he crept into our room to ask me advice about how to best make his love happy, for all know Minsc’s capabilities with women are as prodigious as his butt-kicking skills,” he concluded cheerfully. Minsc muttered a few words and put a hand on Kelsey’s shoulder and the worst of the pain dissipated; when the ranger cast another spell, Kelsey was able to stand, shakily, steadied by the same large hand.
“Thank you Minsc,” he said softly. He rubbed his eyes, but that only made the colors brighter. His head was still pounding. He felt tenderized. “Was that the only trap?”
Minsc nodded. “Jan placed only one in an easy place to remember; more than one may have interfered with the nightly needs of Minsc and Boo.”
“Good.” Kelsey stumbled over to Jan’s bed, which contained a small lump at its foot. He tore the covers back, but the gnome had vanished. “Damn it, Jan, re-appear this minute!” He instantly regretted raising his voice when it rebounded inside his skull.
“I don’t think so, Kelsey,” Jan chirped cheerfully. “My Uncle Scratchy always said ‘Never face angry arch-sorcerers face-to-face, especially when they have good reason to be angry with YOU’ and I agree with him on this one.”
Quietly this time, Kelsey said grimly, “Believe me, Jan, part of me would like nothing better than to turn you into well-cooked hamster kibble right now, but you should know that’s not my style.”
“Ah, style – speaking of which, I notice you haven’t been using that orb I so carefully crafted especially for you. Now, how can I trust such a friend? This reminds me of -“
“Excuse me, Kelsey, but you were not here for evil Boo-knapping schemes?” Minsc asked.
“Of course not,” Kelsey responded impatiently.
“Were you here for lady-related advice?”
Kelsey smiled in spite of himself. “No Minsc, but if I want any, I promise you’ll be the first I’ll ask. I’m here to see Jan.”
Minsc nodded. “Boo and I will return to sleep then.” He lay down and dropped off instantly; The snores didn’t help Kelsey’s headache.
Returning to the original problem, Kelsey said, “Look, Jan, I’m here for Gloria.”
“Oh dear, that is a problem, my poor young man.” Jan’s voice was concerned. “But she’s not in MY bed. Have you tried Anomen’s?” Kelsey choked in anger as Jan “tsk”’ed. “Perhaps he finally succeeded in gaining her nightly affections. I wouldn’t be surprised, he is much more manly than you. Maybe if you’d worn that orb Gloria would not have been tempted from your side. After all, every girl’s crazy ‘bout -”
“Shut UP!” Damn, I really need to stop shouting. “I know where Gloria is, she’s in MY - our bed, I’m here because she sent me. For turnips.”
Jan abruptly popped into sight. Kelsey really hadn’t wanted to be reminded that Jan slept in his underwear, and it was bright orange. The gnome was grinning from ear to ear. “Turnips? A non-gnomish woman wants turnips in the middle of the night? That means – ah, young man, I congratulate you!” He hopped down from the bed and picked up his clothing from the floor, and pulled it on so quickly that his tunic ended up backwards. Then he started to rummage happily through his pack. “Ah, here we go,” he declared triumphantly, hauling a bag nearly as big as himself into sight.
Kelsey’s eyes widened. “How in the world do you carry such a huge load?” he asked, then groaned at his sheer stupidity for asking Jan anything.
“Glad you asked,” Jan said bouncily. “It’s a special bag of holding invented by our very own Kylie Jansen, with a little help from yours truly. Kylie is our official turnip peddler while I’m on my regular itinerant vegetable peddling rounds, you see, and carrying such a heavy burden is rather difficult for the poor lass. Why can’t she use a cart and a mule, you ask –“
“No I don’t.”
“Ahem. As I was saying, why can’t she use a cart and a mule, you ask? Well, that goes back to the days of one of the first Jansens, Bini was her name. Bini Jansen was extremely beautiful, as we all are,” Jan ignored Kelsey’s eye-roll, “but she was also quite small. So small, in fact, that big people tended to ignore her completely, and she was even stepped on a few times. Quite painful. So she started wearing armor with spikes all over it.”
“I can’t believe I’m asking this, the colors I’m seeing must be the first hallucinations of budding insanity, but how would that stop people from stepping on her in the first place?”
“It didn’t. Bini had started to enjoy being stepped on, you see.”
Kelsey wouldn’t have believed his headache could get any worse, until now. “OK, never mind, I really don’t want -“
Jan plowed ahead. “She thought if she enjoyed this wonderful interaction with big people, they should be able to enjoy it too. So she wore spiky armor to maximize their sensation. Now one day she while she was out picking wildflowers in a meadow, to brew various potions with, you understand, she came across an elf named Mauvish, who was quite a dashing fellow. He stepped on Bini, and inevitably sparks –“
“Jan,” Kelsey interrupted desperately, “don’t you want to get those turnips to Gloria? I’ve been long enough already.”
“You are correct, dear boy. A turnip emergency is not to be trifled with.” Jan slung his turnip bag of holding over his shoulder and tripped joyfully from the room. Kelsey followed much more slowly, pausing to blow Minsc’s candle out on the way.