Author Topic: Kelsey's Bad Night  (Read 3062 times)

Offline neriana

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Kelsey's Bad Night
« on: April 01, 2004, 01:09:55 AM »
Oh boy, first one is mine! I'll try to forget that the last time I read a story first in a class I got trounced.

Kelsey grinned in astonished pleasure. “In these woods, we are safe,” she whispered. “None can disturb us. We can…” she embraced him and whispered in his ear, “do anything…”
   
“Kelsey,” called a voice in the air.
   
“Wait,” he interrupted, “what was that?” She stopped further questions with a kiss and he melted into her arms...
   
“Kelsey!”
   
Kelsey woke with a start. “What? Enemies?”
   
Gloria snorted. “We’re in an inn. That must have been some dream, it took me forever to wake you.”
   
“Um, er…I was just tired.” His face was hot, and he knew he was blushing. Luckily the room was dark. He sat up, and took Gloria’s hand in his. “Is something wrong, love?”
   
“No. Or rather, yes.” She sounded unusually curt. “I need you to get me something.”
   
Kelsey yawned. “Get you – what time is it?”
   
“I don’t know, a few hours before dawn,” Gloria replied edgily. “I need you to go wake up Jan and get some turnips from him“
   
“Okay.” Kelsey stumbled out of bed and started to get dressed, but he stopped  with his shirt in his hand. He chuckled. “I’m sorry, maybe that deafness spell still hasn’t worn off. I thought you said you need me to wake up Jan for his turnips. What did you really say?”
   
She clicked her tongue. “I need you to wake up Jan and get me some turnips. How often do you want me to repeat myself?”
   
This must be another dream, Kelsey thought desperately. Gloria would never do this to me. I’ll wake up, and she’ll be lying next to me drooling contentedly on her pillow, as always
   
“Did you hear me?”
   
“Yes.” He pinched himself, hard. It hurt. So this was real. “Are you sure I’m talking to Gloria, and not the Slayer?”
   
“That’s not funny,” she replied coldly. The bed was softly illuminated as she lit the candle on the nightstand. “Do I look like the Slayer?” she asked. Kelsey’s eyes lit up. He started, slowly, to smile.
   
“Definitely not,” he breathed. When he stepped toward the bed, she crossed her arms on her chest and muttered something that was definitely not welcoming. Backing off, Kelsey said, “All right, I’m sorry. But you want me to wake up Jan Jansen in the middle of the night and ask him for turnips. If that’s not evil, I don’t know what is. Why in the world – oh. ” He blushed again, and this time Gloria’s giggle let him know how silly he looked.
   
“I love it when you blush. You look like a flame. Red from head to toe.”
   
“Thanks a bunch.” Kelsey’s mind raced feverishly as he tried to think of an alternative. “Umm… I could go to the kitchen and bake you something? Honeycake? Or..”

Gloria glared at him. “No.”

“Ice cream?”

“No.”

“Some kind of fruit? I picked up something local in -“

“No!”

“What about –“

“NO MEANS NO!”

“But why do I have to do it?” he asked petulantly.
   
At first, Gloria looked as if she were thinking of a few new ways to skin a sorcerer. Then, suddenly, she grinned broadly and her eyes lit up. Kelsey felt his own mouth curling upward in response; it was amazing what effect the mere smile of this woman had on him. “Because I’m carrying your child.”

He laughed ruefully. “Good answer. All right, I guess I don’t have a choice.” Kelsey pulled his shirt on and walked to the door. He turned around, his hand on the doorknob, and asked, “Are you sure you don’t have something easy for me to do, like slaying a demon lord  single-handedly or overthrowing the Cowled Wizards?” He ducked out shortly ahead of the pillow that flew toward his head with deadly accuracy.
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Offline neriana

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Re: Kelsey's Bad Night
« Reply #1 on: April 01, 2004, 01:12:53 AM »
Kelsey’s smile dissolved as he walked down the dim corridor to Jan and Minsc’s room. He was barefoot, and the floor was cold; but his physical discomfort paled in comparison to his mental anguish. The journey down the hall seemed to take forever, but it was still all too short. He paused outside the dreaded door for a long time, listening to the muffled snores from within. Maybe Gloria will just fall back to sleep and forget about this, he thought hopefully. But he knew that hope was baseless; Gloria never gave up on anything. That was one of the things he usually loved about her. Better get it over with. He opened the door softly and tiptoed in.

The room very nearly rumbled with the sound of snoring from both Minsc’s bed against the left wall and Jan’s bed under a window in the back. And I thought sharing a room with Anomen was bad, Kelsey thought in amazement. Kelsey made his way quietly across the room to Jan’s bed; but as he passed Minsc’s, sharp pain coursed through his entire body. He gasped in anguish and fell to his knees.

“Ah-hah!” Jan shouted with glee. “My Jansen ears, ever vigilant even in sleep, hear an intruder of most dastardly proportions! I knew that trap of mine would thwart Boo-knappers! Auntie always said –“

Kelsey groaned at the thought of another Jan saying, but the pain that wracked his body made it impossible for him to speak.
 
“We must be able to SEE the evil to thwart it, small smart one!” Minsc interrupted. The pain in Kelsey’s body started to differentiate itself. His limbs seemed to be implanted with tiny knives. He couldn’t feel his feet or hands at all, a small blessing for which he supposed he ought to be greateful.

“Good point, large not-so-smart one! Even these gnomish eyes, so superior to large human ones, need time to pierce the darkness to see who the person now twitching on the ground is… another moment…no, it can’t be…uh-oh.” Kelsey’s stomach roiled as if it were filled with lava. “Before I light that candle, perhaps I could tell you of my second cousin thrice-removed, Lonny? She had a thriving waxing business among certain half-orc coastal tribes -“

“Boo says it is better to light a candle oneself than to curse the Jansens.” Kelsey squeezed his eyes shut as light flickered through the room. Even through his closed eyelids, the room was spinning. “Now,” Minsc continued, “we shall see who this dastardly villain who would rend Boo from his Minsc, and Minsc from his Boo, is! And this time, even if this villainous dastard is a pretty lady, we will show no mercy!” Minsc’s loud voice echoed through Kelsey’s head; he felt like a tuning fork being struck repeatedly against a brick. The ensuing swirling colors were very interesting. Whatever that damned turnip-loving thief did, he sure did a good job of it, he thought.

“Jan, why do you burrow under covers while evil is afoot?” Minsc asked. “I shall protect small ones from evil!” Kelsey’s shoulder muscles were clenched so tightly it felt like they were in a vice.  “Though this evil is not large, but it is certainly larger than Jan and Boo. And red haired. And – wait! It is our sorcerous friend and Gloria’s love! Oh, how we have been betrayed, all of us, by such a wicked, wicked man, whose only goal in snuggling up to our best friend and most courageous heroine was to get Boo to snuggle for himself!”

Gods, it can get worse, Kelsey thought. “Minsc, wait -,” he croaked.

“I’m sure Kelsey can explain.” Jan’s voice was oddly muffled, yet it echoed in Kelsey’s ears like thunder. “Maybe he was charmed.”

“I do not think Gloria would have let her Kelsey be charmed; she would surely have thoroughly stomped anyone who tried such a thing,” Minsc said thoughtfully. “Though it does not seem that Kelsey would steal Boo.” Someone seemed to be placing pins between Kelsey’s vertebra. Large, spiked pins. “Gloria is smart, smarter even than the small one or the sorcerer, often even as smart as Boo. And the red-haired accounting sorcerer is our friend… perhaps he crept into our room to ask me advice about how to best make his love happy, for all know Minsc’s capabilities with women are as prodigious as his butt-kicking skills,” he concluded cheerfully. Minsc muttered a few words and put a hand on Kelsey’s shoulder and the worst of the pain dissipated; when the ranger cast another spell, Kelsey was able to stand, shakily, steadied by the same large hand.

“Thank you Minsc,” he said softly. He rubbed his eyes, but that only made the colors brighter. His head was still pounding. He felt tenderized. “Was that the only trap?”

Minsc nodded. “Jan placed only one in an easy place to remember; more than one may have interfered with the nightly needs of Minsc and Boo.”

“Good.” Kelsey stumbled over to Jan’s bed, which contained a small lump at its foot. He tore the covers back, but the gnome had vanished. “Damn it, Jan, re-appear this minute!” He instantly regretted raising his voice when it rebounded inside his skull.

“I don’t think so, Kelsey,” Jan chirped cheerfully. “My Uncle Scratchy always said ‘Never face angry arch-sorcerers face-to-face, especially when they have good reason to be angry with YOU’ and I agree with him on this one.”

Quietly this time, Kelsey said grimly, “Believe me, Jan, part of me would like nothing better than to turn you into well-cooked hamster kibble right now, but you should know that’s not my style.”

“Ah, style – speaking of which, I notice you haven’t been using that orb I so carefully crafted especially for you. Now, how can I trust such a friend? This reminds me of -“

“Excuse me, Kelsey, but you were not here for evil Boo-knapping schemes?” Minsc asked.

“Of course not,” Kelsey responded impatiently.

“Were you here for lady-related advice?”

Kelsey smiled in spite of himself. “No Minsc, but if I want any, I promise you’ll be the first I’ll ask. I’m here to see Jan.”

Minsc nodded. “Boo and I will return to sleep then.” He lay down and dropped off instantly; The snores didn’t help Kelsey’s headache.

Returning to the original problem, Kelsey said, “Look, Jan, I’m here for Gloria.”

“Oh dear, that is a problem, my poor young man.” Jan’s voice was concerned. “But she’s not in MY bed. Have you tried Anomen’s?” Kelsey choked in anger as Jan “tsk”’ed. “Perhaps he finally succeeded in gaining her nightly affections. I wouldn’t be surprised, he is much more manly than you. Maybe if you’d worn that orb Gloria would not have been tempted from your side. After all, every girl’s crazy ‘bout -”

“Shut UP!” Damn, I really need to stop shouting. “I know where Gloria is, she’s in MY - our bed, I’m here because she sent me. For turnips.”

Jan abruptly popped into sight. Kelsey really hadn’t wanted to be reminded that Jan slept in his underwear, and it was bright orange. The gnome was grinning from ear to ear. “Turnips? A non-gnomish woman wants turnips in the middle of the night? That means – ah, young man, I congratulate you!” He hopped down from the bed and picked up his clothing from the floor, and pulled it on so quickly that his tunic ended up backwards. Then he started to rummage happily through his pack. “Ah, here we go,” he declared triumphantly, hauling a bag nearly as big as himself into sight.

Kelsey’s eyes widened. “How in the world do you carry such a huge load?” he asked, then groaned at his sheer stupidity for asking Jan anything.

“Glad you asked,” Jan said bouncily. “It’s a special bag of holding invented by our very own Kylie Jansen, with a little help from yours truly. Kylie is our official turnip peddler while I’m on my regular itinerant vegetable peddling rounds, you see, and carrying such a heavy burden is rather difficult for the poor lass. Why can’t she use a cart and a mule, you ask –“

“No I don’t.”

“Ahem. As I was saying, why can’t she use a cart and a mule, you ask? Well, that goes back to the days of one of the first Jansens, Bini was her name. Bini Jansen was extremely beautiful, as we all are,” Jan ignored Kelsey’s eye-roll, “but she was also quite small. So small, in fact, that big people tended to ignore her completely, and she was even stepped on a few times. Quite painful. So she started wearing armor with spikes all over it.”

“I can’t believe I’m asking this, the colors I’m seeing must be the first hallucinations of budding insanity, but how would that stop people from stepping on her in the first place?”

“It didn’t. Bini had started to enjoy being stepped on, you see.”

Kelsey wouldn’t have believed his headache could get any worse, until now. “OK, never mind, I really don’t want -“

Jan plowed ahead. “She thought if she enjoyed this wonderful interaction with big people, they should be able to enjoy it too. So she wore spiky armor to maximize their sensation. Now one day she while she was out picking wildflowers in a meadow, to brew various potions with, you understand, she came across an elf named Mauvish, who was quite a dashing fellow. He stepped on Bini, and inevitably sparks –“

“Jan,” Kelsey interrupted desperately, “don’t you want to get those turnips to Gloria? I’ve been long enough already.”

“You are correct, dear boy. A turnip emergency is not to be trifled with.” Jan slung his turnip bag of holding over his shoulder and tripped joyfully from the room. Kelsey followed much more slowly, pausing to blow Minsc’s candle out on the way.
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Offline neriana

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Re: Kelsey's Bad Night
« Reply #2 on: April 01, 2004, 01:13:32 AM »
Gloria was fully dressed and pacing up and down when Jan opened her door. “Thank goodness!” she exclaimed. “I was starting to get worried; I heard some noises, but I wasn’t sure they were coming from your room, and – where’s Kelsey?”

Jan beamed at her. “So, we’re expecting a little Bhaal grand-spawn, are we?”

Gloria colored. “Don’t call it that. And Kelsey told you? Well, I can’t blame him, considering the circumstances –“

“No no, dear, I deduced your happy condition from available evidence. And I’m happy to be able to help in this important turnip phase.”

She waved his words away with annoyance, and said, “Whatever, right now I want to know where – Kelsey!” Kelsey half-fell against the door frame, resting his head on his arm for a moment.

He whispered, “Jan, move, I need to get to bed.”

“Kelsey, what in the name of all the gods happened to you?!” Gloria exclaimed, shocked. “You look terrible!”

Kelsey winced. “Please,” he whispered, “get Jan out of my way before I fall on him and end up with a spike in my chest. Don’t ask. And please don’t shout.”

Gloria rushed over to her lover, shoving Jan unceremoniously out of the way, and helped him gently to the bed. “What happened?” she asked quietly. “Were you attacked?”

Jan cleared his throat, and said, sounding almost ashamed, “I’m afraid he fell foul of a trap I set for Boo-snatchers. But I had no idea it would be this powerful. It was only supposed to hold someone in place and trip him up, not incapacitate him.” He grinned. “Guess I’m better at this than I thought.”

“Boo-snatchers? Jan, between you and Minsc – never mind, we’ll talk about it later.” Gloria turned to Kelsey. Stroking his hair, she asked him, “Exactly how do you feel?”

“Well, I keep seeing all sorts of bright colors,” he whispered hoarsely. “Nothing seems to be where it should be, everything’s spinning. And my head is killing me. I never knew what a headache really was till now. Minsc cast a couple spells on me that helped me move, and made the rest of my body stop hurting, mostly, but my head just keeps getting worse. It wasn’t this bad till I walked back here. I’m feeling nauseous now too.”

Gloria turned to Jan angrily and snapped, “You gave him a migraine, you idiot. You’d better pray that’s all you did, and you’d better pray I can fix it, or you’re going to be in the deepest trouble any Jansen has ever seen.”

Jan shook his head and said, “Now be fair, dearie, I didn’t mean to do it. And I didn’t expect him to be creeping into our room in the middle of the night. This is at least as much your fault as it is mine.” Gloria turned pale. “Besides, you shouldn’t get so worked up. It’s bad for the Bhaal grand-spawn.”
   
Kelsey half sat up, leaning on his elbow. “Jan, it is not her fault that your inventions do bizarre things, or that you and Minsc have a hamster obsession. And don’t call our child that.”
   
Gloria took a deep breath. “That’s enough. Jan, be quiet, I have to heal Kelsey.” Jan grabbed a turnip from his bag, boosted himself into a chair and started munching contentedly.
   
Kelsey let Gloria push him back into a lying position and closed his eyes. She said some kind of gibberish that sounded vaguely familiar and placed her hands on him tenderly, right on his head, left on his chest. He felt a well-known warmth flow through his body, softly displacing the pain and disorientation. Gloria started to remove her hands, but he grasped her left and kissed it. She smiled tentatively. “Do you feel better?”
   
He smiled back at her, thrilled to see her face without the dancing colors. “Yup, all better. When you heal me, it feels so much more – so much better than when anyone else does it. I can’t put it into words.” Kelsey sat up slowly and pulled her toward him in a tight embrace. He whispered in her ear, “It’s like you’re inside me, traveling through my bloodstream, my muscles, my bones…” Gloria pulled away slightly and half-smiled at him, her dark eyes glowing with desire. Kelsey pulled her close again to kiss her, but she turned away when Jan cleared his throat.
   
“Ahem. So we’re all happy friends again, correct? Gloria, I assume you still want this?” Jan threw a turnip at her and she caught it deftly. After regarding the dingy, unappetizing-looking vegetable for a moment, she took a huge bite out of it.
   
“Yech!” Kelsey exclaimed.
   
“Mmm,” Gloria licked her lips. “This is EXACTLY what I wanted Jan,” she said, luxuriating, “thank you so much.”
   
“Always happy to oblige,” Jan replied, beaming.
   
Kelsey was appalled. “You have got to be kidding me. Gloria, it’s a TURNIP. You’re treating it like the choicest gourmet delicacy in the world. It’s a battered, bruised vegetable that’s not exactly appealing in the first place, and it’s been sitting in Jan’s turnip bag of holding for who knows how long. How can you be gobbling it down with relish?”
   
“You’re absolutely right, darling,” she said through half-chewed turnip. “It’s disgusting. I know this intellectually. But it’s exactly what I want.” She swallowed and quickly polished off the rest. “Maybe I need some kind of turnipy nutrients right now or something. And now that you mention it, relish sounds good too.”
   
Jan chortled. “It just so happens that  I have a glorious recipe for turnip relish. In fact, I have many glorious turnip recipes which I can impart to you.”
   
“Really?” Gloria asked, excited. “Would you? Could you now? I know it’s late…”
   
“No, it’s early.” The gnome grinned and wagged a finger at her. “It’s never too late, or too early, to learn the wonders of turnips.” Jan sniffed and ostentatiously wiped his eyes with his tunic. “I’m getting all choked up here,” he continued brokenly. “I never had any children of my own on whom to bestow this most wonderful knowledge. Oh, what a happy night.” He hopped down from the chair, slung the turnip bag of holding over his shoulder, and scampered out the door. “Follow me, we shall conquer the kitchen and I shall impart to you this most essential wisdom!”
   
Gloria kissed Kelsey on the cheek. “Go back to sleep, dear.” Then she ran after her new mentor, remembering to close the door behind her.
   
Kelsey sighed with a mixture of disappointment that Gloria had left and relief that he was no longer in excruciating pain, then laughed at himself and blew out the candle. Though he was exhausted, it took him a while to get to sleep; he wasn’t used to being in bed alone any more, and he didn’t like it at all.
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Offline neriana

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Re: Kelsey's Bad Night
« Reply #3 on: April 01, 2004, 01:14:00 AM »
Kelsey had only been asleep for a short while, and was having an extremely odd dream in which turnips played a most unusual and inappropriate part, when he felt someone shaking his shoulder.
   
It was Jan.
   
The sorcerer regarded the evil little imp (for so he seemed) with distaste. “Jan, what do you want? And make it good, or I WILL turn you into hamster kibble.”
   
“A most grievous and potentially disastrous error on my part has occurred!” Kelsey sat up quickly, visions of Gloria deathly ill from some kind of horrible turnip poisoning running through his head. He grabbed the gnome’s arm roughly.
   
“What is it, what’s happened?” Kelsey asked, terrified.
   
“Why, I have just realized that, though it is good for Gloria to know these turnip wonders, YOU are the one who actually needs the knowledge!”
   
Kelsey released Jan’s arm. “What? You had me frightened out of my mind, you little – why do I have to know this stuff?”
   
Jan gave Kelsey an extremely stern look. “What kind of man cannot take care of his woman at her most expectatious time? And no man can take care of his woman at this time without knowing at least the most basic intricacies of turnip preparation. Do you know what we call men who can’t do that?”
   
“I-“
   
“We call them men who can’t take care of their women in the turnip preparation department, that’s what! How I would hate for anyone to say that of you! ‘That Kelsey, he’s a nice guy and he sure can blow things up, but he can’t take care of his woman in the turnip preparation department.’ The shame! And considering the way you and Gloria – well, I expect that she will have many expectatious times in the future, and you will have many chances to employ your turniping skills.”
   
“We-“
   
“No, no need to thank me. As I told your lovely heroine, nothing brings me greater joy than imparting my wisdom to you young folks. Besides, I want to help you any way I can. The thought of Gloria straying because you can’t hold your own in the turnip department makes me come over all queer. Come on.”
   
Kelsey dropped his head in his hands. “I’m not going to get out of this, am I?”
   
Jan beamed. “Now you’re getting it, sonny.”
   
“OK, but you’ve got to promise me something. Don’t tell me what happened with Bini and Mauvish, and don’t tell me how that’s related to Kylie not using a mule and cart, all right?”
   
“I don’t think so.” Jan shook his head sadly. “I don’t make promises, because I’m not very good at keeping them. And then everyone ends up mad, and very often threatens me, and no one enjoys that. No, I can’t make any promises.”
   
Kelsey moaned and hauled himself out of bed, resigned to his fate. Almost.
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Offline neriana

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Re: Kelsey's Bad Night
« Reply #4 on: May 04, 2004, 05:31:53 PM »
Kelsey eventually stumbled down the stairs, yawning and muttering imprecations about turnips and the gnomes who loved them. When he stepped into the kitchen, however, he immediately woke up.
   
“Anomen?” he asked, surprised. “What are you doing here?”
   
“The sheer enormity of what we have accomplished made it impossible for me to sleep, so I came downstairs. Imagine my pleasure at being able to make myself useful to Gloria.” Anomen smirked.
   
“How noble. Well, I’m here now so you can go back to your bed and dream of chivalry or battered skulls or whatever you do dream about.”
   
“Wait a minute,” Gloria said. “There’s plenty here for everyone to do. Anomen’s been smushing turnips into a pulp for the wine. Kelsey, you can scorch the turnip custard. Not too much heat, now, or you’ll burn it.”
   
“Turnip custard?”
   
Jan tripped into the kitchen and emptied a bag of turnips onto the table. “It took some doing, but I was able to track down a vendor of fresh turnips just outside the city. These will work much better than those old ones from my bag of holding. Ingredients are the most important tool a cook has, or so Golodon used to say. Or was that poisoner? It’s true either way. Ah, Kelsey, good to see you made it!” He crooked his finger to signal the sorcerer to come nearer. When Kelsey moved closer, Jan whispered audibly, “I’m happy you’re here. I was getting worried that Anomen’s excellent turnip squashing abilities might woo Gloria to his side.”
   
“Jan, I really doubt –“ at that moment, Gloria giggled.
   
“Anomen, you got turnip juice in your beard,” she said bouncily, wiping his face with a cloth.
   
Anomen caught her hand and kissed it. “You truly take care of your friends, my lady,” he said.
   
“Ahem.” Kelsey tapped Gloria on the shoulder. “You wanted me to burn something?”
   
Gloria dropped Anomen’s hand. “Yes, over here.” She led Kelsey to a small table in the corner, upon which little circular dishes filled with a semi-liquid substance rested. “One spell for every couple dishes should do it. Like I said, not too hot.”
   
“Why so many? Are we feeding the whole inn?”
   
“The whole town, actually. Everyone could use a celebration.”
   
Kelsey sighed. “All right.”
   
Gloria looked at Kelsey for a moment, then grinned. “You’re jealous,” she whispered.
   
“What?”  Kelsey whispered back. “Why would I be jealous of that blustering, pompous  -“
   
“Noble, handsome, strong –“ she laughed. “Don’t look like that. I may treat my friends well, but I treat my fiancés much better, especially when they do sweet things like help me cook turnip desserts. Even if they do get ridiculously jealous over an innocent flirtation. Actually, I like that too. I think I’ll go tell Anomen how much I admire his battle prowess.”
   
“Please don’t. You’ll start him on a boasting spree.”
   
Gloria tilted her head and bit her lip. “You know, you’re right. That will give me more chances to ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ over him. I’d like to be able to see your reaction though – could you interrupt us huffily again?”
   
“I don’t think I should encourage this,” Kelsey replied, laughing.
   
“But darling,” Gloria breathed in his ear, “I do so LOVE to see you jealous. It makes me want to push you to the floor and perform unspeakable acts on you.”
   
Kelsey nipped her neck. “Have I told you what I thought about the way Solaufein looked at you?”   
   
“Mmm-“
   
“My lady?” Anomen said hesitantly. “I hate to interrupt, but I need to know if you approve of this consistency?”
   
Jan added, “Yes, there’s nothing like the feminine touch to get the most out of turnip mush. And I’m too busy making this relish to help him anyway.”
   
“Oh. Of course. I’ll be right there.” Gloria smoothed her hair and turned around. Kelsey took the opportunity to smack her on the rear. She mock-glared at him over her shoulder. “Get burning, sorcerer.”
   
Kelsey turned to the dishes. The last time I used my spells was against an evil goddess wannabe. I suppose I’d rather be roasting turnips. Still, he couldn’t help but feel he was moving down in the world.
Trying to ignore Anomen’s bluster about bashing giants’ skulls and Gloria’s coos of admiration, Kelsey cast burning hands on the first row of dishes. A sweet, rich smell filled the room. Hm. Maybe these won’t be so bad – what am I thinking?  He moved on to the next row, wishing he was wearing the Robe of Vecna to speed up the process.

Anomen reached the climax of his story. “I had fought my way to the giants’ leader. He was a colossal monster, but no match for Helm’s power and my hammer!”

Exasperated, Kelsey thought, How many times can he tell this stupid story?

“Ooh, I’m sure he was no match for you, Anomen,” Gloria said, stifling laughter. “You have such big muscles –“

Kelsey cast his spell on the next row of turnip dishes. Nothing happened. “Um, Gloria -?” She didn’t answer. He turned around, and gasped at what he saw. Everyone was frozen; Jan’s knife was poised in mid-strike over a bunch of herbs, Anomen was in his “oratory” pose, and Gloria’s hand was on Anomen’s upper arm. Kelsey walked tentatively to Gloria and touched her shoulder. She didn’t notice. Time stop? How – well, I’ll just have to wait it out. I don’t want to see this any longer though. He reached toward Gloria’s hand –

“So strong!” Gloria said, then jumped. “Kelsey! You nearly gave me a heart attack! How did you get over here?”

“I didn’t see you move, sorcerer,” Anomen said warily. “Have you been learning to skulk, or did you turn yourself invisible?”

“Neither. I cast burning hands, and time stop came out.”

Anomen snorted. “A likely story.”

“Hush, Anomen,” Gloria said. “Kelsey, tell me exactly what you did to make this happen.”

Kelsey replied, “I told you, I cast burning hands. You know, I wonder if this has something to do with Jan’s trap.”

Jan piped in, “No, I don’t see how it could. Of course, with such complex mechanisms, anything is possible.
Why, an elf and a gnome may fall in love after a mutually excruciating encounter. Then they may decide to open a mule-breeding business together just outside Waterdeep: B.M. Stables, it was called. People would flock from miles around to see those little quadrapeds. Then Bini and Mauvish branched out into leatherworking, specializing in “saddles with a sting”, as they were advertised –“

“WHAT are you blathering about, you annoying little creature?!” Anomen shouted.

“Don’t ask,” Kelsey said.

“And don’t shout,” Gloria continued. “You’ll wake everyone else. Viconia’s grumpy enough after being stuck in the pocket plane for so long. Now Kelsey, let’s figure this out. You cast burning hands –“

“Right. Like this.” Kelsey walked over to the custard table and gestured. And disappeared.

“Kelsey? Did you turn yourself invisible?” Gloria waited, but there was no answer.

“Probably just his idea of a joke,” Anomen said scornfully.

“Anomen, Kelsey is not a practical joker. Be quiet.” Gloria walked over to the table, but saw nothing unusual. Until she looked down. “A bowl of – JAN!!!”

“Now Gloria, what did you say about shouting?” Jan said reproachfully. “We don’t want to wake –“

“Jan, Kelsey has turned himself into a bowl of oatmeal. This is obviously your fault.”

Anomen coughed and fled the kitchen. Gloria heard him guffawing in the dining room. “It’s not funny!” she called.

“I don’t know, I see a certain humor in the situation –“

“You would, Jan. Now tell me what you used in that trap.”

“Give me a moment, dear.” Jan paced back and forth, hands behind his back. “Nothing unusual. Spikes, sensors, a scroll of stun… hmm…  a murky potion or two… um… oh yes, I did use one more thing. I ran out of chain, so I used that necklace that no one ever wore.”

“What necklace?”

“The one we got from Kelsey’s old girlfriend. She was quite devoted, wasn’t she? I wonder if he ever misses her -”

Gloria groaned. “Caera’s necklace. Well, Jan, you’ve invented something no one else would ever dream up, yet again. How long until this oatmeal thing wears off?”

“It varies. He should be back to normal before morning.”

“Yes, except his magic will be wild.” Gloria sighed. “I’m not hungry any longer. I’m going to take Kelsey up to our room where he’ll be safe.”
The color of infinity inside an empty glass.

 

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