Author Topic: A Day's Hard Knight  (Read 3131 times)

Offline Bri

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A Day's Hard Knight
« on: April 17, 2004, 03:40:04 PM »
Just a brief word.  This isn't a serious piece, it isn't supposed to be, and many will not like it.  And yes, I know the title sounds like it came from a bad porno movie...

----------------

The far right door from the Copper Coronet opened, casting a flickering, sickly yellow light on the squalid streets of the Slums.  A richly adorned man, his purple jacket almost black in the poor light, sauntered onto the street, singing an old drinking song several octaves off-key.

   "Perfect," muttered a rich contralto from the shadows, watching the man in wealthy attire bumble his way down the street, "he shall be the wealthiest one this night, yes, he shall."

   A tall, lush figure emerged from the darkness of the nearby alley, garbed in a scarlet robe with gold trim that did nothing to hide the near nakedness of the woman beneath.  A cascade of long, auburn hair fell across her left shoulder, and tentatively covered her epansive bosom.  What light not swallowed by the surrounding darkness gleamed with a gentle gold off of the small ring through the woman's left eyebrow, and on the small chain leading from her right nostril to her ear.  The woman shivered, her whole body quivering as a cold breeze momentarily chilled her.

   "Enough, soon you will be rolling in creature comforts once more," murmured the woman to herself, "Not like you can trust those simpering simians for a task of this magnitude."

   The woman's self-musings were cut off as the prosperous individual bumped into a wall and promptly fell down.

   "Pardon me," the man said groggily, and tried to rise, only to fall flat on his back as his feet gave out underneath him.

   "Here sir, let me give you a hand," purred a deep voice, and the red-head extended a dainty hand down to the stout man's shoulder.

   The man turned his head, let out a rancid belch, and cried, "Your not my wife."

   "No sir, I am not," whispered the woman, pulling back her hand and wiped off the man's spittle, "but there is no reason we can't become friends...very good friends."

   "Friends?" stated the man, "Got friends.  Whole lottsa friends.  Want to be your friend."

   The woman looked down at the fool before her, and it was all she could do not to twist her head in indignation, but mumbled, "I've been reduced to this.  Oh yes, I'm making a list of all those who put me here, and I shall get my revenge."

   "Friends," spluttered the man, and the woman thought she could hear a crack as the man strained his neck to look at her...wares...but look he did.

   "Want to be friends with you," he burbled, "Good friends."

   "Then rise," replied the woman in a voice that as slick as a grease spell, "And let's get to know one another better."

   The man tried to say something further, but his words were lost in the blast of flatulence.

   "Of all the putrescent..." shouted the woman, her voice losing its cloying quality, and with a disgusted shudder pressed her hands together against the man's forehead, and a loud, booming echo swallowed the rest of her words and a bright red flash filled the street.

   The woman shook her head, hearing a ringing still echo in her ears, but was pleased to see the drunkard's corpse still ablaze, though missing a head where her fireball detonated.

   Suddenly a harsh cry echoed from the shadows behind her, and a deep voice said, "Damn it Edwin, quietly, subtly I said.  Get your ass moving before the Cowled Wizards showed up.  They will have your guts for gutters if they catch you..."

   Edwin growled, but stifled his harsh retort as his eyes caught one appendage that hadn't remained on the man's body, rich rings still adorning each finger. 

   "Ah, not a complete loss, and all mine," Edwin smiled, then leaned over to pick up the detached hand, sliding it into his ample bodice for safe keeping before following his...acquaintances out of the slum.

-----------------------------------

   "Damn it Edwin, what did I tell you about keeping your temper?" Abdel screamed, his voice amplifying the growing headache in Edwin's head.

   "Well you pandering pustule, its not like you were doing anything back there!" shouted Edwin, stamping his foot on the ground.

   "Doing nothing?" yelled Abel, "Who do you think was keeping the streets clear of all the damn thieves?   If it wasn't for me, then they would have slit that fat merchant's throat, and had their way with you."

   "Aye, my pretties," said a melodious voice that automatically grated on Edwin's ears, "We dispatched three of those bravos while you were still deciding whether to shake your honeypot in front of the dead burgher."

   "Haer Dalis'" grunted Edwin, "The nether realms contribution to a plane that neither wanted nor desired him."

   Edwin turned his head as he felt the tiefling's smooth face press in on him from his right side.

   "One might think with as much as you cry and screamed that you harbor some intimacy for one such as I," Haer Dalis' chuckled, the blade's warm breath tickling the hair on Edwin's back.

   "That's it!" shrieked Edwin, and the wizard pivoted on his foot, bringing his hands up close to cast another spell when a harsh, shrill cry of pain danced from his lips.

   Edwin shook his hands, and danced back, "Get it off me, get it off me..." and a small brown and white fur ball landed on the floor, a defiant squeal rising from it.

   "Why you," screeched the woman, "I'm going to show you...you renegade rodent."

   Edwin raised one shapely leg, the ball of her foot poised to strike at the hissing fur-ball when a meaty hand struck out, and picked up the fearsome hamster.

   "How dare you attack Boo!" shouted a bald man, a lavender spiral painted on his face, "How dare you attack a comrade who has spilled blood for you.  Why, my soul weeps at the perfidy you tried to engage on his hamsterhood.  Why, he gave his very life for you!"

   Edwin raised his hands to his ears in a futile attempt to shut the bald man's thundering words out of his ken, but to no avail.

   "You are all insane," shouted Edwin, his eyes closed in exasperation, "you are enough to drive a man mad!"

   Abdel's voice cut through Edwin's hysterics, "But that doesn't change the truth.  Boo did save your life, or have you forgotten that?  And in doing so, we spent the last of our money to..."

   Edwin turned around, almost tripping as he failed to account for the extra weight on the front of his torso, "To resurrect the damn rodent.  Yes, I know, I have heard all this blather before.  You are the only one besides that addled lummox who would spend ten thousand gold pieces to raise a rodent.  You could have at least changed me back while..."

   The glare on Abdel's face managed to get through even Edwin's temporary fit, but the Abdel said, "There is a limit on resurrection spells, and you know it.  We can always changed you back, but there was hardly any time for Boo.  And as I might recall, you were the one who proceeded with that damn Netherscroll after everyone else told you to wait."

   "Fortune favors the bold," muttered Edwin.

   "And the beautiful..." quipped Haer Dalis'.

   "I heard that," snarled Edwin.

   Abdel grabbed Edwin's arm, preventing the wizard from facing the tiefling, "And you were the one who single-handedly alienated all the women who could have cured your curse.  Viconia turned herself in to the authorities rather than spend one more minute with you, and Aerie ran off screaming, tears rolling down her face.  I still don't know what you said to Jaheira to drive her off..."

   A loud squeal rose from Boo, and all eyes momentarily focused on the rodent.  A flush suffused Minsc's face, and the ranger muttered, "Boo, you don't say such things in public."

   Abdel gazed at the hamster for a few more seconds, then turned on Edwin, "We don't dare claim our money from Nalia.  Hell, if we even showed up, we would be lucky to only get lynched.  So, you will do as I say, or I will claim my due from your flesh.  Do I make myself clear?  We will get the money we need to save Imoen, and heaven hang the cost."

   Edwin looked like she was going to argue, but then nodded, "Yes, for the moment, you are clear."

   But I shall have my revenge you tarted jackanape, yes I shall, she thought to herself.

   Abdel then turned to Minsc, and said, "Go to the wharfs.  Enact plan 9."

   Another squeal rose up from the region of the ranger's shoulders, but Minsc said, "No, Boo.  It is not your turn to wear the purple hat with the yellow feather."
« Last Edit: April 17, 2004, 04:01:31 PM by Bri »

Offline Bri

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Re: A Day's Hard Knight
« Reply #1 on: May 08, 2004, 12:38:41 PM »
"A good night's haul," Abdel said, opening one of the pouches, and letting a string of silver and brass coins tumble onto the table, "A very good night's haul indeed.  I estimate there is at least three hundred gold pieces here."

   "It should be," muttered Edwin darkly, "you simpering gimps.  My feet are killing me, and I have a headache to end all headaches."

   Minsc lumbered into view, his shadow looming over Edwin, and the conjurer wilted slightly under the ranger's bulk

   "Abdel told you to put your best foot forward," Minsc thunderously stated, causing a wave of pain to wash across Edwin's face.

   "But kicking my legs out from under me isn't what he meant," Edwin replied venomously, "And who's bright idea was it to put me on that damn pedestal in the first place."

   Edwin winced as his smooth, but firm hand dabbed at the goose-egg that was slowly growing under his rain of red hair.

   "All the bards' stories speak of putting women in their place," Minsc said, "And what better place to show your wares?"

   "Wares?" roared Edwin, pressing the flat of her palms against the side of her bosom, "You trundling lout, these aren't some pottery to put on display!"

   "Methinks the lady doth protest too much," drawled a soft, melodious voice from the shadows, and Haer Dalis' stepped into Edwin's purview, "You always did enjoy the attention, did you not, Edwin."

   Edwin ground his teeth, "One of these days Haer Dalis', I promise I shall have revenge on your smirking insolent face.  You parasitic planarspawn, I will craft a pair of gloves from your hide."

   Haer Dalis' bowed, his long hair barely touching the ground when he swooped back up, "Ah, so my lady doth wish me to be ever by her side.  Well, my luscious honeysuckle, I shall..."

   "Enough," interrupted Abdel, "As much as I like to see you bait each other, now you two are starting to give me a headache.  Leave off...or do I have to put each of you in a corner?"

   Edwin muttered, "But that indolent poodle started it."

   Abdel's fist slammed onto the table, spilling some of the coins onto the ground, but Edwin was used to Abdel's own theatrics.

   "I said enough," Abdel replied darkly.

   A heavy silence filled the room when Minsc broke it by saying, "So, Abdel, how much longer do we have to do this?  That leather thong is beginning to chafe, and Boo agrees that this is the work of thugs, not heroes.  How much longer must we roll the drunks?"

   "We're getting close," Abdel answered, "And when I said this evening's haul was very good, I meant it.  Here, take a look at this."

   The Bhaalspawn reached out onto the table and grabbed a piece of parchment.  He untied the bow that kept it firmly bound, and read, "Looks like a bounty.  Two thousand gold pieces.  Where did you get this anyways?"

   Minsc smiled, "There was a group of adventurers.  They just came back from an adventure, and they saw Edwin.  Haer Dalis' waggled his fingers..."

   The tiefling sniffed, "It was just a minor Charm spell cast on the tart.  I must say it sweetened his demeanor..."

   "You want to see true magic, then I shall show you," roared Edwin, his face turning a shade of crimson to match that of his hair.

   "Children," Abdel's voice cut through their rising squabble, "One would think you were married with the way you carry on."

   Edwin's face blanched, and he stammered, "That is just disgusting, Abdel."

   "Indeed," Haer Dalis' agreed, "Besides, do you think I would be caught dead with one who tromps around as a man stuck in a woman's body?"

   "And just what do you think I am?" shouted Edwin, turning on Haer Dalis' once more, "Or does it really matter to you?"

   Haer Dalis' paused thoughtfully, then waggled his eyebrows, and tugged one jeweled ear, "Not really, my chickadee.  One sees much from the planes."

   Abdel shook his head as the two continued to argue, and he turned his attention back to Minsc, "So you were saying they were adventurers..."

   "They were adventurers, and just came from one successful endeavor and were ready to start another," Minsc replied.

   "And so you performed the old snatch'n'grab?" Abdel asked, casting a furtive glance at Edwin's nether regions.

   "Yes," Minsc responded, "Edwin enticed them.  He rolled his hips, enough that Boo was getting sea sick...as each one went up to his room, Haer Dalis' would step from the shadows and cudgel them with the pommel of his dagger.  They were stacked like cordwood when we were through.  Then, Edwin..."

   "I refuse to listen to this..." Edwin interrupted, stopping his banter with Haer Dalis' and made his way to where his sleeping quarters were.

   "Sleep tight, beloved," chirped Haer Dalis' pleasantly.

   Edwin flipped his left hand upward, giving Haer Dalis' a singular, non-verbal reply...which masked the dancing gestures of his right hand.

   "Let's see how you like waking up with the pox," Edwin mumbled, "For all anyone else would know, you got it from futtering a canker ridden skank."

------------------

   Edwin stared at the smooth-skinned reflection in the shard of mirror standing crookedly on the bureau, and ran a hand over his chin.

   The only good thing to come of this sordid mess is I don't have to keep my beard well trimmed, he muttered.

   Edwin sat on the edge of the bed, removing his robe, and shook his head, How did it all come to this?  Degarden, that's it...

------------------

   "Ah Edwin, how nice to see you.  Your friends lied for you once before, but they can't help you now." rumbled a deep, resonant voice from within robes of similar cut, but more ornately decorated than Edwin's own.

   "Edwin?  I don't know this Edwin you speak of..." Edwin rambled desperately, casting about to see where the rest of his party was at, "I am...

   Another inconvenience, Edwin thought dangerously, needing privacy to attend to such womanly...flows...

   "Edwin, Edwin, Edwin.  It must be wonderful to live in your mind.  But enough of that..." Degarden tutted, and with a rustle of robe, his hands clapped.

   Edwin gasped as all the air was pushed from her chest, and felt an invisible, vice-like grip surround his body. 

   "You...will...suffer..." Edwin stammered out.

   "I don't think so," Degarden laughed, stepping closer to the magically bound Edwin.

   "Hmm, I must admit, you do make one fine figure of woman," Degarden said admiringly, pushing aside a fold of Edwin's robe, and rested a hand on the conjurer's leg.

   Degarden's eyes barely concealed the growing lust as he added, "And where you are going, no one is really going to care what does happen to you.  Waste not, want not...and I so hate seeing things go to waste."

   Edwin wanted to twist as Degarden's lips descended to meet his, but found he was still as bound as ever.  A growing desperation grew within Edwin, but his muscles refused to obey, and he felt Degarden's scratchy beard move up and down on his face.

   Suddenly, a loud, almost feminine shriek pierced the night air.  Degarden danced back, his hands slapping at his groin.

   "What the hell..." Degarden screamed, the last phrase unintelligible as his cry continued, and a brown and white furry hamster dropped to the ground from underneath the wizard's robes...and a small, fleshy part thumped on the ground, while a thin stream of blood speckled on the ground.

   "I'll kill you," shouted Degarden at the scampering rodent as it dodged the newly emasculated wizard's stomping feet.

   Edwin felt the grasp around him loosen, enough that the rush of air, painful as it was on his squeezed diaphragm, filled his lungs.

   "Enough," shouted Degarden, when he noticed that Edwin was loose.  Snarling, he thrust his hands outward, and uttered eldritch syllables, the sound grating on Edwin's nerves.  A greyish, pebble streaked cloud formed in front of Degarden's hands, and promptly flew towards Edwin's position.

   Desperately, Edwin threw up his hands, and hastily spun a spell, hoping that his counterspell was strong enough to stop whatever Degarden's magic was.  A rainbow-colored swirling shield of light arose, and stopping Degarden's gray colored spell...and sent it doubling back towards him.

   Degarden's eyes widened in horror as the spell enveloping him in a conical grey mist.  He tried to step forward, but his very footstep moved as slow as cold molasses.   The wizard's skin turned to granite-hued color, his right foot still raised but stoned, and  Degarden wobbled precariously

   "Y...o...u..." grunted Degarden, and fell with a heavy thud, a final rodent squeal of pain filling the night.
« Last Edit: June 16, 2004, 09:09:39 PM by Bri »

Offline Bri

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Re: A Day's Hard Knight
« Reply #2 on: July 03, 2004, 07:51:40 PM »
OOC:  Same preface as before.  There is some juvenile humor in this, and some none-too-subtle innuendo.  If you don't like such things, or just the story in general, then don't bother reading it.

-----------------

Edwin woke with a start, vigorously kicking the thread bare blanket off his chest.  He reached down and clawed at an angry red welt rising on the swell of his breast.
   
   "Damn fleas," muttered Edwin, "Almost as bad as that wench in Nashkel."

   Edwin then felt a minor burning sensation rise in the small of his back.  Growling, the full-figured woman futilely tried to scratch it, but found his arms unable to reach the troublesome spot. 

   "I wouldn't even be in this sorry predicament if it wasn't for that fool Abdel," Edwin grumbled, irritated at not being able to reach the swollen flea bite. 

   "Enough, this is almost as bad as Haer Dalis' useless blather" swore Edwin and got out of bed.  He quickly scanned the room before noticing a support beam in the middle of the room. 

   "Ahhh..." moaned Edwin as she gently shimmied his back side up and down the post.

   She continued this for a few more minutes, each thrust up and down bringing pleasant relief flooding through his body, occasionally uttering an "Ooh..." and "Right there.  Got it..."

   Edwin exhaled a final breathy shudder as he leaned against the support beam, tired from sating his itch.

   "I have to get out of here," Edwin quietly said, "Someone of my stature shouldn't be caught dead in such a flophouse.  Not to mention the fleas."

   Her eyes scanned the room, as he thought, There has to be a way to turn this to my advantage, to rise from the ditch, and regain my rightful place.

   Edwin shrugged, and paced, trying to let his fervent mind come up with a solution.  When he felt chilled, the conjurer grabbed his clothing from the single peg which had been hanging on what he considered his coat rack.  The removal of the stole revealed a man who towered over Edwin by a half a head, a look of slight surprise on the man's face.  The statue's hands were lowered near his groin, grasping at what Edwin thought of as a peg.

   "Ah Keldorn," Edwin spat, "You sanctimonious baboon.  I must say that you are much useful this way.  Caught with your pants down."

   The woman ran a hand along the length of the paladin's chest, tracing a finger up to the tip of his nose.

   "Revenge is a dish best served cold, and what is more hard-hearted than stone?" whispered Edwin.

   Edwin blinked, his lips curling as he remembered the scramble to clean up Boo after Degarden's fall, as well as the count afterward for the party members, and Keldorn turned up missing.  A quick search revealed that when Degarden's spell was reflected back, one stray granite jet hit must have hit Keldorn as he answered a call of nature.

   "Requiring me to levitate you all the way here...bah, that was not the work worthy  of a wizard of my stature, but more of what you would expect of a two-bit hedge-wizard's apprentice." said Edwin sourly.

    Edwin walked around the Keldorn statue, "Call me soulless wizard?  Yet your precious sanctity wasn't enough to save you.  And yet here you are.  It galls me that there isn't much difference in our position.  There has to be some way I can turn this to my advantage.  Possibly rent you out to a fountain.  No, those gutter-apes tend to prefer peeing boys.  It's not as if anyone would miss you..."

   Edwin stopped, and his eyes narrowed, "Missing you.  That is it, isn't it.  Your precious Order is bound to be worried about what happened to you, won't it?  Those miserable do-gooders usually put out a reward for information leading to the recovery of one there own.  And there is a price on Abdel's head..."

   The mage stroked his cheek, for a moment missing his rich beard, and nodded,  "Yes, yes, all we have to do is turn both in.  But how to do it without getting caught."

   Edwin's gaze dropped on the dilapidated box that momentarily doubled as a bed stand, and the severed, bejeweled hand of the merchant.

    "The hand of glory," he murmured, "cheap theatrical necromancy, but it would suffice.  Yes, then these simpering gimps will be caged where they belonged."

   The transformed mage grabbed the dead merchant's hand and put it in the center of the room.  Edwin reached over and grabbed the singular candle Abdel allowed him and placed it between the crook of the forefinger and middle finger.   With her heal, Edwin slowly traced a circle in the dirt around then hand. 

The conjurer than sat cross legged outside the circle, and started to chant,
"Hand of glory, hand of power,
Hearken to me in this witching hour

Wherever this terrible light may burn,
Vainly the sleeper shall toss and turn;"

   The room filled with a dull, orange glow as the candle suddenly flickered to life.  Edwin looked at the candle, feeling a slight drowsiness creep into his body, but vigorously shook his head to drive away the growing sleepiness.

"Leaden eyes shall never unclose
So long as this magical taper glows,

Life and treasure shall I command
I who now the charm of the glorious Hand..."

   The orange light flared with a burst of red flame, and Edwin felt the growing malaise flee from his body.  The flame dance in the still air, giving off a sweet scent that slowly filled the room and beyond.

   "There, they shall sleep until I end the spell," he uttered, "Or until the break of dawn, but more than enough time for me to finish my plan."

-----------------

   Lady Irlana yawned as the hours slowly passed in the night.  She cast a glance at her partner, Sir Cadril, and saw him trying to stifle a yawn as well.

   "Damn you," Cadril said playfully, "You know yawns are contagious."

   Irlana chuckled, but suddenly stopped when she heard the rustle of clothing in the darkness.  Carefully, she put her hand on her sword and shouted, "Halt, who goes there?  Identify yourself and step forward?"

   Edwin felt his fingers twitch in irritation, and it was all he could from snapping, "Make up your mind you shiny yard apes.  Do you want me to come forward or stay?"

   However, he did restrain himself, biting his tongue in the process.

   "Calmly Edwin, you don't want to give yourself away this early in the game," he quietly told himself.

   The Red Wizard took a deep breath, and said in a voice as husky as he could make, though it sounded quiet cloying to his ear, "Sanctuary.   I know who has Sir Keldorn, and who captured him.  He...has done horrible things to me too."

 

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