"A good night's haul," Abdel said, opening one of the pouches, and letting a string of silver and brass coins tumble onto the table, "A very good night's haul indeed. I estimate there is at least three hundred gold pieces here."
"It should be," muttered Edwin darkly, "you simpering gimps. My feet are killing me, and I have a headache to end all headaches."
Minsc lumbered into view, his shadow looming over Edwin, and the conjurer wilted slightly under the ranger's bulk
"Abdel told you to put your best foot forward," Minsc thunderously stated, causing a wave of pain to wash across Edwin's face.
"But kicking my legs out from under me isn't what he meant," Edwin replied venomously, "And who's bright idea was it to put me on that damn pedestal in the first place."
Edwin winced as his smooth, but firm hand dabbed at the goose-egg that was slowly growing under his rain of red hair.
"All the bards' stories speak of putting women in their place," Minsc said, "And what better place to show your wares?"
"Wares?" roared Edwin, pressing the flat of her palms against the side of her bosom, "You trundling lout, these aren't some pottery to put on display!"
"Methinks the lady doth protest too much," drawled a soft, melodious voice from the shadows, and Haer Dalis' stepped into Edwin's purview, "You always did enjoy the attention, did you not, Edwin."
Edwin ground his teeth, "One of these days Haer Dalis', I promise I shall have revenge on your smirking insolent face. You parasitic planarspawn, I will craft a pair of gloves from your hide."
Haer Dalis' bowed, his long hair barely touching the ground when he swooped back up, "Ah, so my lady doth wish me to be ever by her side. Well, my luscious honeysuckle, I shall..."
"Enough," interrupted Abdel, "As much as I like to see you bait each other, now you two are starting to give me a headache. Leave off...or do I have to put each of you in a corner?"
Edwin muttered, "But that indolent poodle started it."
Abdel's fist slammed onto the table, spilling some of the coins onto the ground, but Edwin was used to Abdel's own theatrics.
"I said enough," Abdel replied darkly.
A heavy silence filled the room when Minsc broke it by saying, "So, Abdel, how much longer do we have to do this? That leather thong is beginning to chafe, and Boo agrees that this is the work of thugs, not heroes. How much longer must we roll the drunks?"
"We're getting close," Abdel answered, "And when I said this evening's haul was very good, I meant it. Here, take a look at this."
The Bhaalspawn reached out onto the table and grabbed a piece of parchment. He untied the bow that kept it firmly bound, and read, "Looks like a bounty. Two thousand gold pieces. Where did you get this anyways?"
Minsc smiled, "There was a group of adventurers. They just came back from an adventure, and they saw Edwin. Haer Dalis' waggled his fingers..."
The tiefling sniffed, "It was just a minor Charm spell cast on the tart. I must say it sweetened his demeanor..."
"You want to see true magic, then I shall show you," roared Edwin, his face turning a shade of crimson to match that of his hair.
"Children," Abdel's voice cut through their rising squabble, "One would think you were married with the way you carry on."
Edwin's face blanched, and he stammered, "That is just disgusting, Abdel."
"Indeed," Haer Dalis' agreed, "Besides, do you think I would be caught dead with one who tromps around as a man stuck in a woman's body?"
"And just what do you think I am?" shouted Edwin, turning on Haer Dalis' once more, "Or does it really matter to you?"
Haer Dalis' paused thoughtfully, then waggled his eyebrows, and tugged one jeweled ear, "Not really, my chickadee. One sees much from the planes."
Abdel shook his head as the two continued to argue, and he turned his attention back to Minsc, "So you were saying they were adventurers..."
"They were adventurers, and just came from one successful endeavor and were ready to start another," Minsc replied.
"And so you performed the old snatch'n'grab?" Abdel asked, casting a furtive glance at Edwin's nether regions.
"Yes," Minsc responded, "Edwin enticed them. He rolled his hips, enough that Boo was getting sea sick...as each one went up to his room, Haer Dalis' would step from the shadows and cudgel them with the pommel of his dagger. They were stacked like cordwood when we were through. Then, Edwin..."
"I refuse to listen to this..." Edwin interrupted, stopping his banter with Haer Dalis' and made his way to where his sleeping quarters were.
"Sleep tight, beloved," chirped Haer Dalis' pleasantly.
Edwin flipped his left hand upward, giving Haer Dalis' a singular, non-verbal reply...which masked the dancing gestures of his right hand.
"Let's see how you like waking up with the pox," Edwin mumbled, "For all anyone else would know, you got it from futtering a canker ridden skank."
------------------
Edwin stared at the smooth-skinned reflection in the shard of mirror standing crookedly on the bureau, and ran a hand over his chin.
The only good thing to come of this sordid mess is I don't have to keep my beard well trimmed, he muttered.
Edwin sat on the edge of the bed, removing his robe, and shook his head, How did it all come to this? Degarden, that's it...
------------------
"Ah Edwin, how nice to see you. Your friends lied for you once before, but they can't help you now." rumbled a deep, resonant voice from within robes of similar cut, but more ornately decorated than Edwin's own.
"Edwin? I don't know this Edwin you speak of..." Edwin rambled desperately, casting about to see where the rest of his party was at, "I am...
Another inconvenience, Edwin thought dangerously, needing privacy to attend to such womanly...flows...
"Edwin, Edwin, Edwin. It must be wonderful to live in your mind. But enough of that..." Degarden tutted, and with a rustle of robe, his hands clapped.
Edwin gasped as all the air was pushed from her chest, and felt an invisible, vice-like grip surround his body.
"You...will...suffer..." Edwin stammered out.
"I don't think so," Degarden laughed, stepping closer to the magically bound Edwin.
"Hmm, I must admit, you do make one fine figure of woman," Degarden said admiringly, pushing aside a fold of Edwin's robe, and rested a hand on the conjurer's leg.
Degarden's eyes barely concealed the growing lust as he added, "And where you are going, no one is really going to care what does happen to you. Waste not, want not...and I so hate seeing things go to waste."
Edwin wanted to twist as Degarden's lips descended to meet his, but found he was still as bound as ever. A growing desperation grew within Edwin, but his muscles refused to obey, and he felt Degarden's scratchy beard move up and down on his face.
Suddenly, a loud, almost feminine shriek pierced the night air. Degarden danced back, his hands slapping at his groin.
"What the hell..." Degarden screamed, the last phrase unintelligible as his cry continued, and a brown and white furry hamster dropped to the ground from underneath the wizard's robes...and a small, fleshy part thumped on the ground, while a thin stream of blood speckled on the ground.
"I'll kill you," shouted Degarden at the scampering rodent as it dodged the newly emasculated wizard's stomping feet.
Edwin felt the grasp around him loosen, enough that the rush of air, painful as it was on his squeezed diaphragm, filled his lungs.
"Enough," shouted Degarden, when he noticed that Edwin was loose. Snarling, he thrust his hands outward, and uttered eldritch syllables, the sound grating on Edwin's nerves. A greyish, pebble streaked cloud formed in front of Degarden's hands, and promptly flew towards Edwin's position.
Desperately, Edwin threw up his hands, and hastily spun a spell, hoping that his counterspell was strong enough to stop whatever Degarden's magic was. A rainbow-colored swirling shield of light arose, and stopping Degarden's gray colored spell...and sent it doubling back towards him.
Degarden's eyes widened in horror as the spell enveloping him in a conical grey mist. He tried to step forward, but his very footstep moved as slow as cold molasses. The wizard's skin turned to granite-hued color, his right foot still raised but stoned, and Degarden wobbled precariously
"Y...o...u..." grunted Degarden, and fell with a heavy thud, a final rodent squeal of pain filling the night.