comments on "Waiting"

[Pirengle]

Is it possible to like a story and despise the main character? Moreina, I like your style, but I'm not a fan of weak-willed near-ninny Bhaalspawn. Sinae is Sulae with a few letters switched.

I also feel like I'm being told most of this story instead of being shown. I'd like to see when her brother enters into her life, and how he got to be so perfect that a Knight of the Order will take his word over hers.

The brother waiting for his sister's death is a nice touch, but play this up more.

Nice edits, though. 

[Moreina]

Moreina, I like your style, but I'm not a fan of weak-willed near-ninny Bhaalspawn. Sinae is Sulae with a few letters switched.

     I like names that start with "S" and end with "ae." And I don't see them as being the same at all. The reasons Sinae doesn't get rid of Caeras are entirely different from the reasons Sulae doesn't get rid of Anomen. Sinae's big problems are A.) She physically can't defend herself anymore and B.) She's petrified of what Caeras will do to her if she DOES say something.
     Someone said to me after reading this that they liked the idea that Caeras was the one who was meant to be the Bhaalspawn, and Sinae was just born in the wrong place at the wrong time. I like that idea too.

I also feel like I'm being told most of this story instead of being shown. I'd like to see when her brother enters into her life, and how he got to be so perfect that a Knight of the Order will take his word over hers.

     I felt like this was Sinae's story; I didn't want to bog it down with "And Caeras was so beloved by all because he did this and this and that." I also wanted to leave the antecedent action as, well, antecedent action. I felt that how she met Caeras was irrelevant to what I was writing. The point is, she met him, and she really, really wishes she hadn't.
     

The brother waiting for his sister's death is a nice touch, but play this up more.

     I wanted to leave this open. I think I left it fairly unclear whether or not Sinae was actually seeing her brother's ghost, or if she was just hallucinating. But, if I were to play this up, how would you suggest I do it?

Nice edits, though. 

     I tried to make it more clear that Anomen really didn't have any clue what was going on, because that was an issue with my first few versions. I think I accomplished this. But, yeah, thanks.

[Rusalka]

Another very interesting piece Moriena. The ending was a nice creepy touch.

I do have some trouble with the plot though. Caeras is a very scary villan indeed but too perfect to be belived. Paladins have powers to detect evil, so you would think the Order would have spotted Caeras as a nasty bastard already. If he was ever a paladin to begin with, you'd think he was already a fallen one.

I think for a character like him to work, you need to flesh out a more in depth explanation. Maybe he isn't a fallen paladin but has developed this terrifying obsesssion with his sister. His menacing behavior might not be enough to make him fall until he actually attacks her. He would be able to conceal his fallen status until his second attack on her because he already has the trust of the Order.

But there's also the problem with her killing him, if you've made it clear before that she's too weak to defend herself. You're undermining the explanation you gave for Sinae's helplessness by having her ultimately overpower him.

I think perhaps you are trying to show the protagonists in your stories being victimized by misfortunes that are too elaborate to be believed. You just seem to stretch it a bit too far. The tragic impact you want to create can only succeed if you make the story plot seem more likely to happen. Between all the people we can imagine spotting someting wrong with Caeras or Sinae when he's around, there are just too many situations that might have intervened to prevent the tragedy.

[Moreina]

Caeras is a very scary villan indeed but too perfect to be belived. Paladins have powers to detect evil, so you would think the Order would have spotted Caeras as a nasty bastard already. If he was ever a paladin to begin with, you'd think he was already a fallen one.

I think for a character like him to work, you need to flesh out a more in depth explanation. Maybe he isn't a fallen paladin but has developed this terrifying obsesssion with his sister. His menacing behavior might not be enough to make him fall until he actually attacks her. He would be able to conceal his fallen status until his second attack on her because he already has the trust of the Order.

     I've always seen the Order as corrupt. I doubt they'd be checking for incestuous madmen. Also-- There's a difference between evil and insane, in my eyes. I don't believe a 'detect evil' spell would pick out a lunatic. And, up until this point, Caeras hasn't actually done anything to her, so he hasn't crossed the line into 'evil.' He's also a very, very good actor, as I think I managed to convey. I doubt they'd really feel the reason to be suspicious of him at all.

But there's also the problem with her killing him, if you've made it clear before that she's too weak to defend herself. You're undermining the explanation you gave for Sinae's helplessness by having her ultimately overpower him.

Right. She is, for the most part, too weak to defend herself.  Physically, if he got her pinned, she wouldn't be able to do a damn thing about it. I think what is crucial to her killing him is that she had a knife stashed in the couch cushions. Until then, I don't think she was of the proper mindset to actually kill the guy, but not having been believed when he actually did go after her the first time was what pushed her over the edge.

Between all the people we can imagine spotting someting wrong with Caeras or Sinae when he's around, there are just too many situations that might have intervened to prevent the tragedy.

Well, really, who was there? She wouldn't tell anyone, due to a combination of actual fear of Caeras and the knowledge that no one would believe her. Keep in mind that she was THE bhaalspawn, no matter how much she doesn't act like it. People are afraid of her. I know I talked about that within the story itself, although as it was during the last scene it may have been too late to help any.

Please keep in mind I'm still working on this piece off and on(this is an edited version of the one I posted Back in the Day at FWP), so feel free to make suggestions on how to remedy the problems you're seeing and I'll take a look at your concerns next time I gather the motivation to do something with this.