Author Topic: Yer Worst Puns  (Read 4153 times)

Offline shiroryu

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Yer Worst Puns
« on: February 10, 2008, 11:59:51 AM »
Bring 'em on. >:(

What did the cynical sausage say to the busy hotdog vendor?

I'm on a roll.
"Kneel before the Lord Dragon, or you will be knelt." - Mazrim Taim, Wheel of Time

"Right. I had to get up at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down at the mill and pay the mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our mother and father would kill us and dance on our graves singing Halleluja. "

Offline WizWom

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Re: Yer Worst Puns
« Reply #1 on: February 10, 2008, 02:45:52 PM »
So, this animated string walks into a bar, and the bartender tosses him into the street saying "we don't serve your kind in here!"

A wagon runs over him, and he get a bit twisted in the wheel, and falls to the street again.  He gets an idea, and goes back into the bar.

"Aren't you the string I just threw out of here?" asks the bartender.

"No, I'm a frayed knot," replied the string.
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Offline shiroryu

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Re: Yer Worst Puns
« Reply #2 on: February 10, 2008, 11:35:54 PM »
If you jumped off a bridge in Paris,you would be in Seine.
"Kneel before the Lord Dragon, or you will be knelt." - Mazrim Taim, Wheel of Time

"Right. I had to get up at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down at the mill and pay the mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our mother and father would kill us and dance on our graves singing Halleluja. "

Offline melora

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Re: Yer Worst Puns
« Reply #3 on: February 10, 2008, 11:43:30 PM »
I called my fantasy basketball team " the Basket Bhaalspawn"
Somebody had to be me; it might as well be me.<br />-Charles Barkley

Offline shiroryu

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Re: Yer Worst Puns
« Reply #4 on: February 10, 2008, 11:53:00 PM »
  8)

I used to work for Victoria's Secret, but then I got a pink slip.
"Kneel before the Lord Dragon, or you will be knelt." - Mazrim Taim, Wheel of Time

"Right. I had to get up at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down at the mill and pay the mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our mother and father would kill us and dance on our graves singing Halleluja. "

Offline Kulyok

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Re: Yer Worst Puns
« Reply #5 on: February 11, 2008, 05:45:02 AM »
Tolkien mentions that Celeborn was "the lover of Galadriel, who she later wedded." This comment does date back to an early set of notes when Celeborn's name, in Quenya, was Teleporno.


(It's good to know that someone is as bad with names than I am).

Offline shiroryu

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Re: Yer Worst Puns
« Reply #6 on: February 11, 2008, 07:10:03 AM »
Not a pun, unless I'm missing something, but funny nonetheless. Teleporno? Long-distance adult elven entertainment? :o
"Kneel before the Lord Dragon, or you will be knelt." - Mazrim Taim, Wheel of Time

"Right. I had to get up at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down at the mill and pay the mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our mother and father would kill us and dance on our graves singing Halleluja. "

Offline shiroryu

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Re: Yer Worst Puns
« Reply #7 on: February 11, 2008, 12:29:48 PM »
No, thread! You will not dye!



    Guy sitting at a bar keeps hearing "You're so handsome" and "Nice shirt".

    He askes the barkeep if he is talking to him.

    The barkeep says, 'No, it's the nuts, they're complimentary."
"Kneel before the Lord Dragon, or you will be knelt." - Mazrim Taim, Wheel of Time

"Right. I had to get up at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down at the mill and pay the mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our mother and father would kill us and dance on our graves singing Halleluja. "

Offline jastey

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Re: Yer Worst Puns
« Reply #8 on: February 11, 2008, 02:41:05 PM »
Forgive me, but I have to bring this one.

Two tomatos cross a street. "Not so fast" sais the one, "Come on, catch up", sais the other.

And now you have to imagine me saying this in German (as a kid), using "Ketchup", and laughing heartily.
I was 19 when I realised this is a game of words in English.

Offline Kulyok

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Re: Yer Worst Puns
« Reply #9 on: February 11, 2008, 02:59:46 PM »
I've watched Pulp Fiction over eight times, and played cmorgan's Iron Modder submission.

... I still don't get why it's funny. :(

Offline Daulmakan

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Re: Yer Worst Puns
« Reply #10 on: February 11, 2008, 03:04:33 PM »
I've watched Pulp Fiction over eight times, and played cmorgan's Iron Modder submission.
... I still don't get why it's funny. :(
It's an old, bad joke, it's not supposed to be funny. Uma even says so.

Offline shiroryu

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Re: Yer Worst Puns
« Reply #11 on: February 12, 2008, 12:45:14 AM »
Depends on what one means by 'worst' i guess.

From Monty Python:
Der ver zwei peanuts, valking down der strasse, and von vas... assaulted! peanut.

Incidentally, a look at why German language humor does not rely on puns but situational humor, stemming from German language precision vs. English language flexibility...which might explain jastey's confusion as a child:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2006/may/23/germany.features11

« Last Edit: February 12, 2008, 12:46:51 AM by shiroryu »
"Kneel before the Lord Dragon, or you will be knelt." - Mazrim Taim, Wheel of Time

"Right. I had to get up at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down at the mill and pay the mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our mother and father would kill us and dance on our graves singing Halleluja. "

Offline Eleima

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Re: Yer Worst Puns
« Reply #12 on: February 12, 2008, 03:57:37 AM »
If you jumped off a bridge in Paris,you would be in Seine.

I actually thought that was funny! ;D

I have one, it's a really, really bad one, you've been warned, but it's my two cents to keep this thread alive.
I'm working in a radiology ward currently, and some guy must've kept his usb stick in his shirt pocket for a chest x-ray, and I turned and said jokingly to the intern, "looks like a wi-fi pacemaker".

And now you've lost any shred of respect for me. :D
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Offline MakemLee

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Re: Yer Worst Puns
« Reply #13 on: February 12, 2008, 05:08:55 AM »
This is really poor sorry.

Guy walks into a bar with a tiger. The tiger lays out under one of the tables and the guy goes to the bar.
The bartender says "You can't leave that lying there".
To which the man replies "It's not a lion it's a tiger".

 :-[ I'll get my coat  :(

Offline shiroryu

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Re: Yer Worst Puns
« Reply #14 on: February 12, 2008, 11:56:45 AM »
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan.

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal".
"Kneel before the Lord Dragon, or you will be knelt." - Mazrim Taim, Wheel of Time

"Right. I had to get up at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down at the mill and pay the mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our mother and father would kill us and dance on our graves singing Halleluja. "

Offline shiroryu

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Re: Yer Worst Puns
« Reply #15 on: February 14, 2008, 03:11:15 AM »
Upping the non-existent ante with the dreaded extended pun:

"I moss say I'm taking a lichen to that fun-gi, even though his jokes are in spore taste. Algae the first to say that they mushroom out of control."
"Kneel before the Lord Dragon, or you will be knelt." - Mazrim Taim, Wheel of Time

"Right. I had to get up at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down at the mill and pay the mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our mother and father would kill us and dance on our graves singing Halleluja. "

Offline shiroryu

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Re: Yer Worst Puns
« Reply #16 on: February 18, 2008, 04:53:14 AM »
Ladies, looking for a car that reminds you of your first love? Buy the Alfa Romeo.
"Kneel before the Lord Dragon, or you will be knelt." - Mazrim Taim, Wheel of Time

"Right. I had to get up at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down at the mill and pay the mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our mother and father would kill us and dance on our graves singing Halleluja. "

Offline Clarion

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Re: Yer Worst Puns
« Reply #17 on: March 03, 2008, 01:31:39 PM »
Please, this is absolute *pun*ishment!
Don't let me cast Chromatic Orb anytime soon...  I'll either turn myself blue or summon dozens of squirrels...

Offline cmorgan

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Re: Yer Worst Puns
« Reply #18 on: March 03, 2008, 09:38:16 PM »
Why did the skeleton refuse to cross the road?

He didn't have the guts.

Why couldn't he be a church music director? No organs.

Why could the skeleton only conduct 3/4 time?

He had Watz-timer's.

The Skeleton had two insects as pets. Why did one feel so bad?

It was the lessor of two weevils.

Offline shiroryu

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Re: Yer Worst Puns
« Reply #19 on: March 04, 2008, 12:42:53 AM »
Why did the skeleton refuse to cross the road?

He didn't have the guts.

Why couldn't he be a church music director? No organs.

Why could the skeleton only conduct 3/4 time?

He had Watz-timer's.

The Skeleton had two insects as pets. Why did the Skeleton feel so bad?

It was the lessor of two weevils.

Really punny.

Spot the upgrade:

The Skeleton used to rent out his two insects for zombie parties, but the Demon next door started to rent out ten nastier ones. Why did one feel so bad?

It was the lessor of two weevils.
« Last Edit: March 04, 2008, 07:31:43 AM by shiroryu »
"Kneel before the Lord Dragon, or you will be knelt." - Mazrim Taim, Wheel of Time

"Right. I had to get up at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down at the mill and pay the mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our mother and father would kill us and dance on our graves singing Halleluja. "

Offline Gnick O Thyme

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Re: Yer Worst Puns
« Reply #20 on: March 04, 2008, 07:21:24 AM »
Two guys walk into a bar

"Ouch"
"ouch"

Offline shiroryu

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Re: Yer Worst Puns
« Reply #21 on: March 14, 2008, 01:57:59 AM »
What do you call an angry transvestite?

A cross dresser.
"Kneel before the Lord Dragon, or you will be knelt." - Mazrim Taim, Wheel of Time

"Right. I had to get up at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down at the mill and pay the mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our mother and father would kill us and dance on our graves singing Halleluja. "

Offline smeagolheart

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Re: Yer Worst Puns
« Reply #22 on: May 18, 2008, 06:27:43 AM »
So a man walks into a bar carring a small bag.  He sits pulls up a stool and sets the bag on the bar counter.    Bartender says "what you got in there friend?"  The bartender curious assorted bar patronage gather and after some prodding the man reluctantly opens the bag.   The man pulls a leprechaunand another tiny man who starts playing a small piano from the bag. 

"Holy crap" says an onlooker, "What else you got in the bag?  Does the leprechaun grant wishes or anything?"   The man kinda rolls his eyes and says he does.   The second man then grabs the leprechaun and says "I wish for a million bucks!"   The leprechaun says "yoir wish is my command!".   

BAM the bar is then overrun with one million ducks running all over the place.  The little man's piano playing gets interruped and they have to pick up the leprechaun as well.  After clearing out the ducks, the man puts the leprechaun and the little man with the piano back in the bag and turns to leave.

The bartender asks "Hey I thought you said that leprechaun grants wishes!"   

The man says "Oh he does, he's just a little hard of hearing.   What you think I wanted a 12 inch pianist?"

Offline AkashaCatBat

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Re: Yer Worst Puns
« Reply #23 on: May 21, 2008, 10:23:23 PM »
A pirate limps into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says,

"Uh... are you aware that you have a steering wheel coming out of your crotch?"

"Arrrgh," replies the pirate, "It be driving me nuts!"
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Offline Jon

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Re: Yer Worst Puns
« Reply #24 on: May 25, 2008, 12:55:44 AM »
"Okay, I'm gonna get gas then come to your house.'

"You're getting gas? That's so cool. Are you excited?"

"Totally. I'm PUMPED."
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I suggest everyone buy a puppy."

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