Okay, this definitely needs editing a la "commas placed in random locations," but I'm not going to detail every spot where I think there should be changes along those lines because I think that would overshadow my other comments.
First, I like the story concept. I like it when fan fiction doesn't cover the play-by-play adventures that we commonly experience playing the game, whether expanding what happens to the PC character outside the known story or giving more focus to a non-PC character, as you do here with Kylee.
Stylistically, I found it appealing: the signs of a grumbling, frank voice from Kylee's POV that are there, his musing asides about Orcish weapons and how his mother died, and some of the simply arranged sentences like
"CLANG?" and
"There was an uncomfortable silence." that worked as both transistion and description and improved the rhythm of reading the story where the punctuation and grammar sometimes took away from it.
No, you wouldn’t catch Kylee adventuring. He was a miner. It just wasn’t in his blood.
No one had ever actually mentioned Kylee’s blood having anything to do with it.
Some say fate moves in mysterious ways. Similarly, some say that the stars can give a man sound financial advice. Fate was, in truth, predictable to a fault. Fate liked clichés. Fate REALLY liked clichés.
Tucked away in Kylee’s waistcloth, nobody noticed as the dagger began to glow a faint, blood red…
*Kylee is actually quite an intelligent man, and like many intelligent men, for the most part entirely uneducated.
I feel like I was supposed to come to a specific conclusion off of the hints in this end sequence. It definitely feels incomplete, so, yeah, you should write more and give out the punchline, maybe paring back the epic scope of following Kylee through to TOB so that it's completed?
Topic: Comments on "Kylee's Dagger" (Read 2522 times)
