Getting Rid Of Anomen

[St. Josephine]

This is a bit different from what was orginally posted so long ago.  It is actually a more a fleshed out version of what went into the mod, which you can find here. 


                                                                       Part One

Anomen turned up every few months at our store to check if Kelsey was dead yet or dying or, maybe, just maybe, very, very sick…

“Your…er, husband?  Is he still well?” he would inquire anxiously, trying not to seem too eager to find out whether I was a widow yet.

“As well as can be expected when working among noxious fumes all day…he goes through these phases…last month it was unsqueakable mice but recently all he’s been thinking about is some sort of ear hair removal scroll.”

“Has he become unhinged, my lady?” Anomen would nod sagely, attempting to sympathize with my plight while no doubt plotting daring rescues to liberate me from my seriously deranged spouse.

“No more so than usual,” I would reply and smile fondly.

                                                                        *********

“Anomen didn’t drop by again, did he?”  Kelsey asked, blowing on a spoonful of soup that I had brought him for lunch.

“You know he did.  I couldn’t help but notice that little spy of yours hovering outside the window until he left…” 

“Oswald is no spy,” Kelsey protested, deftly tossing a crust of bread to said pseudo-dragon, who caught it neatly in an outstretched claw and, with a cry of thanks, flew out the window.

I snorted. “Regardless, I’m sure you know that he bought what he always buys…”

“Stupid potions of dexterity…I’ve told you, Amarian, sell him the oddly murky ones!”

“I will not!  I don’t want to kill the guy!” I narrowed my eyes at him.  “And neither do you!”

“I guess not…” he said, rather insincerely.  “Still, I wish you’d stop encouraging him.”

“Ah, Kelsey, I feel sorry for him.  We’re the only friends the poor fellow has.”

“I am not, nor have I ever been, Anomen’s friend!  I only tolerated that pompous bastard for your sake!”

“Oh, you don’t want to admit it but it wasn’t as if you guys never shared a bonding moment or two…why I remember once when I was trying to get to sleep and all you boys, who was it, Keldorn and you and Anomen and someone else…oh, that stupid bard, what’s-his-name…anyway, you were all moaning and groaning about beating something or other…”

My train of thought was interrupted by Kelsey doubled over choking; I patted him briskly on the back until he recovered.  “Are you alright?”
 
“Fine, fine…” he nodded vigorously, his face returning to its normal color.

“Maybe Anomen wouldn’t come around so frequently if he had a purpose…you know, some sort of quest…” I mused.

“Something that would take him far away from here for a very long time…” Kelsey agreed.

[St. Josephine]

                                                                        Part Two


A bulging chest, secured with rope, crashed down upon the counter.  “Here ye go missus,” the grizzled Halfling on the other side panted from the effort. ”A whole lifetime of adventuring can be yours for just 500 gold…”

“Really, Mr. Tenderfoot?  I had no idea you had been an adventurer…” my eyes shone with excitement as I ran my hand over the dusty leather and frayed rope. .”  Ah, how easily I had slipped into this ordinary mortal life, reveling in the tales of others.

“Aye…though not as well-known as present company…” he added quickly.

I shrugged, embarrassed. “It seems like that was ten lifetimes ago.”  I brushed cobwebs from the lock.  “Let’s open it up and see what’s inside.”

Tenderfoot looked sheepish.  “Well, you see, missus…”  the Halfling made quite a show of rooting around in his many pockets, turning each one inside-out with a frustrated grumble.

After his virtuoso performance, I stated the obvious, “You don’t have the key, do you?”

“Not as such, no…” he admitted.  “…but, there’s treasure inside, no doubt about it…why, just take a peek through the keyhole.  There’s something glowing in there!”

I peered into the keyhole.  Sure enough, there was a faint golden glow.

“500 gold, then, missus, worth every penny!” 

“The problem is, my good Mr. Tenderfoot, is that I don’t know what’s inside…”

“High quality goods, I assure you,” he said anxiously, rivers of sweat running down his face.  “A steal at 500 gold…” Tenderfoot glanced uneasily around the shop; apparently satisfied that it was empty except for him and me, he continued, in a miserable voice, “I haven’t been completely honest with you, this fine morning…”  He trailed off nervously, ringing his hands.

“About…”

“Ah, I was never an adventurer, missus!  I confess that I was more of a…how shall I put this so as not to offend your sense of decency…”

“A thief?” I suggested.

“Such a harsh word for someone whose only crime was possessing a knack for finding valuable things that didn’t belong to him!  And I’m embarrassed to say that I was a sub-par lock-pick…runs in my family, I’m ashamed to admit…” Tears welled in his eyes.

“Oh, there’s no need to cry!  Not all thieves are good lock-picks…why some are excellent pickpockets while others have a talent for…” I said sympathetically.

“No, no that’s not it…” Tenderfoot interrupted and hung his head.”…although, I am mighty humiliated by the fact…no it’s my son…he’s in terrible trouble…that’s why I need the gold…”

I sighed.  I was a sucker for a sob story; always had been.  I reached beneath the counter for the cash-box.  “You found this chest ages ago, didn’t you, Mr. Tenderfoot?”

“Ages and ages…”

“In the middle of nowhere, with no discernable owner, right?”

“Not a soul in sight…”

I sighed again.  “I hope I don’t regret this.”  I dropped the coins into his gnarled palm.

“Oh no missus, it’s a good thing ye’ve done…”  He was cut short by a huge explosion that rattled the bottles on the shelves behind me.  I ran to the doorway to see smoke billowing from the tower.

                                                                           *********

Kelsey was standing, somewhat singed, in the middle of the room with a bemused look on his face.  “When distilled squeak is heated, do you think you’ll end up with squeal?”

“Good question,” I replied, nonplussed.  “Hold on, your eyebrows are smoldering.”

He stood very still while I extinguished them with a wet fingertip.  “And I’ve got to admit, taking that spoonful of fire resistance potion every morning with your oatmeal has bolstered your resistance quite nicely,” I said as I brushed soot from his robes.  “It doesn’t look like there’s a mark on you and there must have been a fair amount of flame to blow the windows out…”

“There was A LOT…”

“I can see that,” I glanced around the room; it was a disaster.  "Did you do this on purpose?"

“Why do you ask that?”  Kelsey asked, eying me warily.

“Because you’ve pretty much destroyed everything in this room…all your books, all your scrolls…”

“I have felt a little off these last few days...ever since that bearded goon came around to check my pulse,” he admitted.  "I guess I sort of lost control."

"Anomen is not worth getting this upset over!"

"I'm sorry Amarian, but it's very unnerving to have your wife's rejected suitor turn up like a bad coin every so often so that he can whisk her off to...to... I can't even imagine what kind of awful life he's got planned for you."

"Don't I get a say in this?" I tried to keep my voice level as not to upset him any further.  Poor thing was always a bit of a worrywart.  "What makes you think that I wouldn't stay here with your familiar for company and rebuild this tower to be even more rickety in your honor?"

"Grrr...why can't he just learn to live with the fact that you chose me...ME...not him...and that your life with me isn't some sort of temporary obstacle?"  Kelsey demanded, the vein in his temple throbbing dangerously.

I squeezed his arm in what I hoped was a reassuring way. "Come on now, my love; let's forget Anomen for a while.  I have a chest that I just bought that needs to be opened.  It looks quite interesting.  I'm certain there's something magical inside...you can see it shining through the keyhole.  What do you say?"

"I suppose I could use the distraction.  Let's take a look."

[St. Josephine]

                                                                         Part Three

"Argh!"  Kelsey wrinkled his nose.  "This is frustrating, digging through all this...this..."

"Junk?"  I suggested.  "Rubbish?  Dross?  Weren't you the one who one who told me that one man's refuse...er, what is that?"  I held aloft a pipe that had obviously seen better days, the stem looking like it had been gnawed off, judging by the jagged teeth marks that scarred what remained.  Gingerly setting it aside, I resumed my train of thought.  "I do recall you saying more than once that one man's refuse, garbage, what have you, is another man's treasure.  I think it was when you tried to convince me that running a trading post would be fun."

"It was one of those great shopkeeper sayings that my father taught me that I never really doubted...until today," he confessed, setting aside an empty bottle of Thethyrian brandy.

"I swear, this thing is bottomless."

"Ah, take heart...the light is getting stronger," I peered into the trunk, as Kelsey pulled out a sheath of what looked like a collection of notes and letters, bound together with a what appeared to be an old sock garter.

"Here we go!" 

"Hmmm..." I said, mystified.  "The glowing seems to becoming from the inside.  How odd."

"There is definitely some strange magic going on," Kelsey admitted.  "Do you recognize the symbol that's on the base?"

"I have no idea," I shook my head.  "I'm fairly sure I was daydreaming during Gorion's lecture on the interpretation of arcane symbols...those papers, though; why don't you take a closer look?"

"Well, most of it seems to be torn up into bits and pieces."  He carefully picked up each scrap and peered intently at it.  "There are some words I can make out, though: "radiant distortion illusion", whatever that means...a recipe for muffins...a receipt for one curse removal" with a postscript that reads: "the item in question (returned in its original condition), we believe is not cursed but possessed or worse..."

I drummed my fingers against the lid of the chest and bit my lip.  "Or worse?  That doesn't sound very encouraging."

"No.  Neither does this letter, "Kelsey waved a yellowed piece of parchment.  "It begins: 'what did you think was going to happen when you so cavalierly angered one of the most powerful..."

"That's it?!  Angered whom?"
 
He shook his head.  "Your guess is as good as mine."  He rifled through the pile of paper.  "Here, this might be a clue; it looks like the drawing of a fish...at least I think it might be a fish."  Kelsey passed me the drawing. "What do you think?"

It looked vaguely familiar, like some sort of symbol.  "A fish with a circle in the middle?" I ventured. "That's what it looks like to me."

Kelsey looked thoughtful.  "You know, I think I'll run over to the temple of Oghma.  One of the monks there, you know, the one who is always coming around looking for unusual scrolls...anyway, I think he might have an idea of what this picture may be.  Do you want to come along?"

"No, no..." I said, quickly.  Kelsey didn't know this but one of the monks at the temple had been a victim of Imoen and I back at Candlekeep when he was still a novice.  So far, he hadn't recognized me but I had a difficult time facing him with a straight face without the vivid memory of him screaming, covered from head to toe with nut butter and being chased by famished squirrels, intruding on my pious thoughts.  "I'll stay here and watch the shop.  I await your return with bated breath."

"Fair enough.  Oswald, you stay here and keep Amarian company."  Kelsey gave him a fond scratch behind the ears as he left.  Oswald was terribly disappointed, I could tell. The monks spoiled Oswald terribly, giving him treats that turned him the most obnoxious colors for days.  Kelsey seemed amused by this but then he didn't have to change his box.

[St. Josephine]

                                                                                  Part Four

"Kelsey spoils you..."  I grumbled as Oswald nipped at my hand because I had stopped petting him.  Suddenly, the door flew open with such force I was surprised it remained on its hinges.
 
I started for a moment but managed to regain my composure. "Why Anomen, you seem in quite a state!  What brings you here?  Is something wrong?"

"Amarian," he declared, slightly out of breath.  "I have hastened to your side for I have heard the glorious...er, GRIM news."  Anomen waved Oswald aside, "Begone, insect!"

"What news? What are you talking about?"  I could never tell with Anomen whether something was legitimately wrong since he tended to be a bit, well, high-strung.  Over his shoulder, I watched Oswald fly out the still-open door.

"It is the tidings that I have most fervently desired since the very hour that sorcerer bewitched you...I mean, 'tis the day I have been DREADING most fiercely and I can scarce believe that it has finally come to pass!"

"I have no patience today for your tortuous speech, Anomen," I said, suddenly very tired. "What is it that you are trying to say?  You're becoming rather flushed."

"Ah, my lady, it is not you who should be inquiring of my well-being but I who should be concerned with yours." He placed a hand over his heart.  "I must confess that when I took heed of the demise of the accursed wizard, I was not caught unawares.  I had long suspected that he would come to an ignoble end...and what is more ignoble than exploding into a ball of flame?  'Twas most spectacular, I heard."

"I'm sure this is going to come as a shock to you but Kelsey's not--"

"Never mention that foul name again in my presence!"  Anomen said fiercely, grasping the counter with his hands until his knuckles turned white.  "By Helm, how I have suffered, plagued by unbidden visions of you in the arms of that...that... No matter!   Now we are both free from his loathsome influence." 

I heard Kelsey's voice before I even saw him.  "Well, well, well...look who's here." he said as he entered the store, trailed by his chirruping familiar.  "Oswald, I owe you a cookie.  Anomen, if I didn't know better I'd have thought you had teleported here the minute you heard I was dead...still, I have to admit, you've made good time."

Anomen had turned white as a sheet.  "No, it cannot be!  By all that is pure and just, shouldn't you been a smoldering pile of ash?"
 
"Sorry to disappoint you...no wait, I'm not sorry at all." Kelsey smirked, catching us both off guard.  "Hmmm...do you know what?  I'm kind of glad you're here."

"You're not going to...do something to him, are you?"   I asked; his grin was unnerving, to say the least.

"I won't deny that some sort of revenge isn’t tempting..."  Kelsey admitted, still smiling slightly.

"You do not scare me, sorcerer!"  Anomen declared with all the bravado he could muster.

Kelsey continued as if he had never been interrupted.  "However, I am in such a magnanimous mood that not only am I going to forget that the only reason I have the dubious pleasure of seeing you today, Anomen, is because of your reveling in my death and coveting my wife, I am going to give you this..."  He reached into the chest and handed Anomen the glowing relic.

Anomen gasped.  "How did this come into your possession?  It is only the most..."  Before he could finish his sentence, he had disappeared in a flash of glowing gold light.
 
"You knew that was going to happen, didn't you?"  I demanded when I recovered my senses.  "What happened?  Where did he go?"

Kelsey shrugged and put his arm around my shoulders.  "Oh, he'll be fine."  He seemed unconcerned.  "Well, only if he's as righteous as he says he is...otherwise, he may be in for a little bit of trouble."