Author Topic: Comments on "a girl in candlekeep"  (Read 11668 times)

Offline Eral

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Comments on "a girl in candlekeep"
« on: December 07, 2005, 05:10:44 PM »
I really liked this - I was a bit worried by the references to her beautiful hair and dress (Mary Sue alert!) but you have captured the adolescent Bhaalspawn awakening to her nature in a way I think is clever and believable. More about the two girls bullying would help to flesh out her life. I like the explanation for how Sarevok knows to come for her and kills Gorion - he knows of her existence because he has seen her. But why is Gorion so mean to her? And why doesn't she rebel against him if this is the case?  It would be really good if you could fix the grammar - it's hard to read stories without punctuation.
Good work.
Will it be stealing if I answer answer the question of how Sarevok knew about Gorion's ward in my Candlekeep story, by having him send an anonymous envoy to Candlekeep? I might just add a disclaimer.
If you see anything mysterious or unusual, just enjoy it while you can.  - Michael Leunig.

Offline irenicus

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Re: Comments on "a girl in candlekeep"
« Reply #1 on: December 08, 2005, 03:34:11 AM »
I really liked this - I was a bit worried by the references to her beautiful hair and dress (Mary Sue alert!) but you have captured the adolescent Bhaalspawn awakening to her nature in a way I think is clever and believable. More about the two girls bullying would help to flesh out her life. I like the explanation for how Sarevok knows to come for her and kills Gorion - he knows of her existence because he has seen her. But why is Gorion so mean to her? And why doesn't she rebel against him if this is the case?  It would be really good if you could fix the grammar - it's hard to read stories without punctuation.
Good work.
Will it be stealing if I answer answer the question of how Sarevok knew about Gorion's ward in my Candlekeep story, by having him send an anonymous envoy to Candlekeep? I might just add a disclaimer.

*giggles* oh you wait gorion will have a scare of his life soon!!!

and I shall be introducig the two bullies alot more soon, if it makes it any easier I based them on my mom and dad!!!

thank you for the comments I hope my next part really excites you

Offline irenicus

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Re: Comments on "a girl in candlekeep"
« Reply #2 on: December 08, 2005, 04:06:07 AM »
I wish to comment that all spelling errors and typos have been fixed and the parts edited with help from my friend Cordy

Offline Borsook

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Re: Comments on "a girl in candlekeep"
« Reply #3 on: December 08, 2005, 04:21:07 AM »
As I said before, very nice. Have you got any plans on how long it will eventually be?
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Offline irenicus

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Re: Comments on "a girl in candlekeep"
« Reply #4 on: December 08, 2005, 04:26:27 AM »
As I said before, very nice. Have you got any plans on how long it will eventually be?

I plan to go through BG and BG2 and TOB and what her life is after it

yes I know I am crazy but detemined!!!
any ideas and tips GREATLy appreciated

Offline Eral

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Re: Comments on "a girl in candlekeep"
« Reply #5 on: December 08, 2005, 04:27:24 AM »
umm, irenicus, I'm not sure Cordy is completely up to the task of correcting the grammar. Punctuation. There should be more.  :)
If you see anything mysterious or unusual, just enjoy it while you can.  - Michael Leunig.

Offline irenicus

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Re: Comments on "a girl in candlekeep"
« Reply #6 on: December 08, 2005, 04:28:27 AM »
umm, irenicus, I'm not sure Cordy is completely up to the task of correcting the grammar. Punctuation. There should be more.  :)

Alright, Ill get my english teacher onto it when I get to school, she's nice like that

Offline irenicus

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Re: Comments on "a girl in candlekeep"
« Reply #7 on: December 08, 2005, 05:05:40 AM »

Good work.
Will it be stealing if I answer answer the question of how Sarevok knew about Gorion's ward in my Candlekeep story, by having him send an anonymous envoy to Candlekeep? I might just add a disclaimer.

no it wont be stealing go ahead

Offline Eral

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Re: Comments on "a girl in candlekeep"
« Reply #8 on: December 08, 2005, 08:50:32 PM »
Again, a plausible logical reason for Gorion taking the PC from Candlekeep. You have thought this through well.
Maybe you could put in more descriptions of the classes the girls go through. That would further explain the rivalry/bullying.
If you see anything mysterious or unusual, just enjoy it while you can.  - Michael Leunig.

Offline irenicus

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Re: Comments on "a girl in candlekeep"
« Reply #9 on: December 09, 2005, 02:08:50 AM »
Again, a plausible logical reason for Gorion taking the PC from Candlekeep. You have thought this through well.
Maybe you could put in more descriptions of the classes the girls go through. That would further explain the rivalry/bullying.

Hmm, this sounds like a good idea and I will be putting some referance to clasess soon , but i got school now  :'(  :-[ *mumbles* how i despise school

Offline Borsook

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Re: Comments on "a girl in candlekeep"
« Reply #10 on: December 09, 2005, 03:44:23 AM »
Why do you despise school Ireni?
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Offline Eral

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Re: Comments on "a girl in candlekeep"
« Reply #11 on: December 09, 2005, 04:16:00 AM »
My lord, Borsook! You are asking a 14 year old why she doesn't like being coerced into activity she sees no reason for?? Everyone knows that the adult world is a conspiracy against adolescents. You have to be at least 19 before you can begin to see the misguided purpose behind education.
If you see anything mysterious or unusual, just enjoy it while you can.  - Michael Leunig.

Offline Borsook

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Re: Comments on "a girl in candlekeep"
« Reply #12 on: December 09, 2005, 04:46:48 AM »
My lord, Borsook! You are asking a 14 year old why she doesn't like being coerced into activity she sees no reason for?? Everyone knows that the adult world is a conspiracy against adolescents. You have to be at least 19 before you can begin to see the misguided purpose behind education.
Well, when I was her age we all of course hated school, but each one of us had a different "the most important" reason. Mine was not very original I hated being forced to do things, but e.g. I had a friend who usually erm, needed to go to the bathroom quite often and was mortaly scared of school bathrooms (no wonder really). Besides teenagers usually like to talk about why and how much they hate school and I do try to be nice.
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Offline irenicus

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Re: Comments on "a girl in candlekeep"
« Reply #13 on: December 09, 2005, 05:11:47 AM »
ok if i suddenly go its cus my teacher caught me ROFL

yes im on a school computer im supposidly doing maths and there wondering why i am giggerling here im known for hating maths

lol

btw what its the prime number of 67396?

Offline Borsook

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Re: Comments on "a girl in candlekeep"
« Reply #14 on: December 09, 2005, 05:15:57 AM »
ok if i suddenly go its cus my teacher caught me ROFL

yes im on a school computer im supposidly doing maths and there wondering why i am giggerling here im known for hating maths

lol

btw what its the prime number of 67396?
We finished school dear lady. We don't know any more.
"Borsook seems like a pretty cool guy who offers his insight where appropriate... just very, very frequently." - Imrahil

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Offline irenicus

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Re: Comments on "a girl in candlekeep"
« Reply #15 on: December 09, 2005, 05:38:59 AM »
ok if i suddenly go its cus my teacher caught me ROFL

yes im on a school computer im supposidly doing maths and there wondering why i am giggerling here im known for hating maths

lol

btw what its the prime number of 67396?
We finished school dear lady. We don't know any more.


ahhh damn this is to hard to cope with right now, -kicks teachers-

Offline Evaine Dian

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Re: Comments on "a girl in candlekeep"
« Reply #16 on: December 09, 2005, 05:48:19 AM »
...
« Last Edit: April 09, 2009, 06:50:29 PM by Evaine Dian »
"Show me how you do that trick! The one that makes me scream", she said,
"the one that makes me laugh!" she said and threw her arms around my neck.
"Show me how you do it and I promise you, I promise that
I'll run away with you, I'll run away with you..."

Offline irenicus

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Re: Comments on "a girl in candlekeep"
« Reply #17 on: December 09, 2005, 05:55:52 AM »
btw what its the prime number of 67396?
We finished school dear lady. We don't know any more.

I didn't even know when I still was at school.

lol


also everyone a part 3 has been edited to show Neleianas school life a little more!!

Offline Kulyok

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Re: Comments on "a girl in candlekeep"
« Reply #18 on: December 09, 2005, 05:59:40 AM »
Quote
btw what its the prime number of 67396?

?

67396 is not a prime number.

Offline irenicus

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Re: Comments on "a girl in candlekeep"
« Reply #19 on: December 09, 2005, 06:00:12 AM »
Quote
btw what its the prime number of 67396?

?

67396 is not a prime number.


yay i got an answer *jots this down and pasess it to nearest teach* or just meh friend i dunno

Offline Evaine Dian

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Re: Comments on "a girl in candlekeep"
« Reply #20 on: December 09, 2005, 06:08:43 AM »
I think she meant sum of digits or something.
"Show me how you do that trick! The one that makes me scream", she said,
"the one that makes me laugh!" she said and threw her arms around my neck.
"Show me how you do it and I promise you, I promise that
I'll run away with you, I'll run away with you..."

Offline Kulyok

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Re: Comments on "a girl in candlekeep"
« Reply #21 on: December 09, 2005, 06:16:37 AM »
Oh. Thank you. :) It's hard to be an ESL person sometimes.

Offline Evaine Dian

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Re: Comments on "a girl in candlekeep"
« Reply #22 on: December 09, 2005, 06:25:45 AM »
Well, I don't know if that's right, it was merely a guess, taking into account that irenicus is... a little confused sometimes.  :)
« Last Edit: December 03, 2007, 01:21:19 PM by Evaine Dian »
"Show me how you do that trick! The one that makes me scream", she said,
"the one that makes me laugh!" she said and threw her arms around my neck.
"Show me how you do it and I promise you, I promise that
I'll run away with you, I'll run away with you..."

Offline irenicus

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Re: Comments on "a girl in candlekeep"
« Reply #23 on: December 09, 2005, 06:27:42 AM »
Well, I don't know if that's right, it was merely a guess, taking into account that irenicus is... a little confused sometimes.  :)
English is not my first language, either.


me confused?! what are you talking about, who the bejesus am i?  ::)

Offline discharger12

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Re: Comments on "a girl in candlekeep"
« Reply #24 on: December 09, 2005, 07:10:49 AM »
Well, I don't know if that's right, it was merely a guess, taking into account that irenicus is... a little confused sometimes.  :)
English is not my first language, either.

What is your first language, if you don't mind me asking?

 

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