The Chairman is back in Infinity Stadium with a brand new theme to tantalize and torment the best of the best in improvisational modding! These Iron Modders have gathered once again, WeiDU and text editors in hand, eagerly awaiting their chance to give their all in the world's premiere four-hour Infinity Engine modding competition!
Four Iron Modders responded to the Chairman's latest challenge, "Careless Talk Costs Lives," serving our four lady judges a healthy dose of torture, both physical and verbal, along with a rather cannibalistic choice! Who might curry enough favor to elevate their microwave-speed mod to the winner's podium?
As is his custom, the Chairman shared his thoughts with the anxious audience before making his presentation.
In Baldur's Gate, as in life, a slip of the tongue can mean devastating death and destruction. The most admirable <CHARNAME>s I have known master both the arts of war and of parlay. If they do not... well. We see today the harrowing results.
Scoring judges were BevH, Blue, Sorschana, and Stoplight Red.
IRON MODDER BONS
Past champion Iron Modder Bons offered the judges a feast for bookworms: Lady Llalinda La'Chatterly, a terrible gossip and intrusive conversationalist condensed into hardcover form. La'Chatterly is never at a loss for words on any subject, but even the pleading of the monks of Oghma cannot keep her careless words from harming others...
"Iron Modder Bons prepared a uniquely concocted book for our enjoyment, and while it bears the distinct bouquet of overdone perfume, do not be decieved! The meat of this enchanted tome is quite heavy in sugary prose, enough to give you cavities and possibly self-esteem damage to the unwary. Not to be tasted by the weak of palate, or, as the priests of Oghma in Bons' mod will tell you, you just might be an appetizer for Umberlee's bridge club." – Blue
"In the past, this chef has served up some culinary delights. However, this go around found me wanting to move on to the next restaurant in search of a more fulfilling meal." - BevH
"Bons' dish about dishing tickles your fancy, but lacks more than snacklike quality. To be certain, the capers in the dialogue are amusing, and the wit is baked to perfection; but once you reach the end, you're still ready for more." – Stoplight Red
"What a voice! What an attitude! What a tatty spine she's got! The Lady provides <CHARNAME> with a most vivid series of lessons on life, love, trail mix, and the dangers of knowing a secret so very juicy it simply must escape, darling, one can't help it." - Sorschana
IRON MODDER GHREYFAIN
The Iron Pirate charged into Infinity Stadium full of his usual confidence and bluster and turned in an entry with the aromas of anguish and bitter ashes. The sinfully syrupy Booter has a new victim—one who wishes to sup on the blood of those who wronged him. As ever, the player is given a chance to put a finger in the pie...
"A clever variation on an old theme - one of the more vivid and, er, visceral characters in the base game is here given an opportunity to dig his own grave and does so with relish. Of course one is given the opportunity to hand him the shovel, first...." - Sorschana
"Iron Modder veteran Ghreyfain sparks warm roasted memories of Thanksgiving with the family, where you're thankful that they aren't dead and/or stretched out on the rack at the mercy of a cackling, sadistic dwarf. This selection is robust and ripe with flavor, with special attention to the garnish. This little tale of vengeance and a turn-around plot might be short, but it packs a spicy punch on the way down." - Blue
"Sometimes, traditional meals are what a person needs. Truly, this is a meat and potatoes tale of caution, replete with sensibilities and a saucy dwarf to spice up the mod. However, though it was filling and dwarf-seasoned, it still lacked the flavor necessary to make a truly gourmet
meal." – Stoplight Red
"This pirate knows how to serve up meat and potatoes and has returned to his former glory in this humble judge's opinion." - BevH
IRON MODDER GRIM SQUEAKER
A light and rather referential (if not reverential) entry, Iron Modder Grim Squeaker skewers murder mysteries and aggressive instruction with an explosively apocalyptic dish. This Iron Modder broke some culinary taboos by employing implements listed on the "do not use" list. A bold stroke! What secrets Irenicus and Imoen cooked up together might have been best left unshared...
"A mere taste, this little mod, a splash of vibrant color and flavor on the palate, spiced up with a judicious shot of peppery language and some...slightly uncharacteristic...Irenicus behavior. I laughed until I cried, and I ran it twice to make sure I hadn't missed anything." - Sorschana
"I am almost ashamed to admit my sinful enjoyment of Iron Modder Grim's preparation. No, truly, I AM ashamed. Much like the entire tub of ice cream you ate and never told anyone about, you may hide your guilt, but the extra pounds on the hips never fade. A few of the highlights of his quick-fix dish include a blink-or-you-might-miss-it dialog alteration with Imoen--don't try to gobble your way to the main course too fast with this one. The humor has a bit of a wacky flavor, but is a refreshing break from the subtler flavors of wit. Also worth noting is the attractively eye-catching ReadMe that is included. But while perhaps these merits may not be enough to make Grim Squeaker's dish for everyone, he does grant more than a nod to Overlord Compton's mod-cooking wisdom with some extensive self-parody. Or perhaps it was Overlord mockery. Do we have a death penalty assigned for that yet?" - Blue
"Initially I was put off by the sheer silliness of this dish: to my eye, it resembled nothing more than a party cake covered with giggly glitter
and fluffy content. However, as the credits on the mod rolled (literally!), I realized that I had enjoyed every last little piece of edible confetti." – Stoplight Red
"While by no means an original, this fluffy, frothy dessert was a delight." - BevH
IRON MODDER RUGHALT
While Iron Modder Grim Squeaker cast a nod to the Chairman in his entry, Iron Modder Rughalt outright co-opted our insane overlord as the central character in his recipe. Once he delivers the Iron Modder theme, is there more to see? Is our hero <CHARNAME> doomed to an endless discourse which can end only in being BANED? Many chefs cook with ingredients that are an acquired taste, and surely there are few ingredients more polarizing in the spice rack...
"It was refreshing to see a new chef in our midst. While this entry served as promised, it delivered only fast food." - BevH
"In a daring direction taken by first-time Iron Modder Rughalt, we are given a kind of mod-within-a-mod, where CHARNAME joins in the Iron Modding. The flavor is bold, and perhaps unexpected, but it's possible that the clever spicing was overdone. By the time you've realized what Iron Modder Rughalt meant to accomplish, you've been chewing on the same bit of gristle for quite some time." - Blue
"An exotic chef, a dark horse in the race - what happened? I thought perhaps I would be served something unpronounceable and foreign to my palate! However, I believe I was served instant mashed potatoes (without butter or gravy!) sculpted into the shape of jcompton's face." – Stoplight Red
"I admit, I wasn't sure the particular combination of flavors and spices used in this mod were really going to work together...in fact, if anything, the design of the meal seemed downright circular. But the intricate structure here really caught me by surprise, and I'm left with a lingering smile and a chuckle of sheer pleasure." - Sorschana
The judging is complete! Four fine repasts of careless words and missed opportunities. Now that our judges have sampled the fruits of fast talk, how will they feel? Who shall earn their highest regard? Which Iron Modder shall reign supreme?
IRON MODDER GHREYFAIN!
Reclaiming his long-lost throne and becoming our first three-time champion, Iron Modder Ghreyfain squeaked by the Squeaker in a very tight battle! Revenge is a dish best served cold, and Booter's end at the hands of his own tools tasted mighty sweet today! All Infinity Stadium rises in recognition of the Iron Pirate! Congratulations!
FINAL SCORES out of 25 possible (average)
Grim Squeaker: 17
Minor error gave 0.25 extra points to Grim, sorry about that. Corrected now. -JC