Author Topic: Oh, The Planes You'll Go!  (Read 1100 times)

Offline Bons

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Oh, The Planes You'll Go!
« on: April 26, 2005, 10:00:42 PM »
An attack of Repost Fever: I did this for UU's recent "In An Alternate Universe" quiz at the Attic.

Disclaimer: Clever Dr. Seuss things are, of course, the inventions of Theodor Seuss Geisel.


The sun did not shine.
The sky was not clear.
So we chose to venture deep inside
The Slums’ Planar Sphere.

I stood beside Jan-I-Am, and he spoke
As the Planar motor went crash.
“Hungry? Mammy always said calamity
Goes well with green turnip mash.”

For he’d juggled the Sphere’s juxtaposition
While Viconia’s curses fell inert
And Valygar fumed so silently stern
And Kelsey distracted me with a flirt.

It was painfully plain we were
And we did not like it.
Not one little bit.

We were in a strange room.
We opened its strange door.
And what waited on the other side.
Was surely stranger more!

Wavy cavy Truffula trees
With leaves a drooping blue.
We trompled over the Grickle-grass
And swung through the Jungle of Nool.

Once we’d tromple-tromped our fill
And swung till we could swing no more
We found a Who waiting by a winding path
Sing-songing sentiments galore.

“Salutations!” sang the Who.
“This is your lucky day!
You’ve found The Road to The Chateau.
You should check it out! No delay!”

“With five brains between you.
And ten feet in your boots.
You should have no trouble marching.
Five spectacular routes!”

Viconia did not like this happy Who.
Her heart shrunk a size in dislike.
And she scorched the Who into a What
With one tiny-hearted Flame Strike.

Perhaps I should have lectured
Had I spared the time to think
About the Whos, Whats, and Why-Nots
But Kelsey distracted me with a wink.

So all we could do was to
And we did not like it.
Not one little bit.

“Say, Valygar” said Jan-I-Am.
“Do you like green turnips and ham?”

“I do not like them, Jan-I-Am.
I do not like green turnips and ham.”

“Say, Valygar,“ said Jan-I-Am.
“Would you eat them there or yonder?
Would you eat them any spot I ponder?”

“I would not eat them there or yonder
Nor any spot that you may ponder.
I do not like green turnips and ham.
I do not like them, Jan-I-Am.”

“Say, Valygar,“ said Jan-I-Am.
“Would you eat them on a throne?
Would you eat them all alone?
Would you like them in the wood?
Would you eat them if you could?
Would you try them in a ditch?
Would you eat them with a lich?
Try them, try them. Here they are!
There’s no finer snack, near or far!”

“I would not eat them on a throne.
I wish, I wish, I were alone.
I would not like them in the wood.
I would not eat them if I could.
I would not try them in a ditch.
I will not, will not bear a lich!
I do not like them, can’t you see?
No green turnips and ham!
Jan-I-Am, leave me be!”

On and on they bantered
While the Bar-ba-lots romped
As Viconia sparked any wandering Whos
And the surface flowers she stomped.

Perhaps I should have noticed.
The signs of trouble were growing clear.
Stomping flowers can do a reputation no good
But I was busy blowing in Kelsey Coltrane’s ear.

The road wound and wiggled
And soon enough we were there
We’d reached the dreaded Chateau!
The wicked wizard cat’s lair!

The wizard carried an umbrella
And wore a red and white striped hat.
He had dozens of spells at his disposal
And his pet fish, Rielev, in a vat.

“Have no fear,” said the wizard Cat in the Hat.
“I will show you a trick
One of my many experiments
On what makes a Bhaalspawn tick!”

And then he ran out.
And then, faster than a zip or a zag,
The wizard Cat in the Hat
Came back in with a big bag.

The bag of holding was blue
Closed with a spiffy red bow.
“See what’s inside,” said the Cat.
“See, Bhaalspawn, and know!”

“I will untie the bow.
You will see something new.
Two things. And I call them
Clone One and Clone Two!”

Clone Two was taller.
Clone One was the same.
They circled our group
Laughing at the game.

I did not know what to do
With one clone, much less double.
I pondered the best way I might
Relax from all the trouble.

I decided to kiss Kelsey.
And we liked it.
Yes, every little bit.

“Magic!” cried Valygar.
“Send the cat wizard to the Abyss!
I’ll fill the clones with arrows.
Let fly! I’ll not miss!”

“Silly capped surfacer!
Foolish cat rivvil!” shouted Vic.
And as her heart shrunk two more sizes, she added
“I’ll show you a Drow trick!”

And as the wizard sizzled
Till there was nothing but his hat
Jan-I-Am poured a cup of turnip tea
And sipped. “It is not a good day to be a Cat.”
I let go of Kelsey
Lips pink, cheeks flushed red.
To find my worries lifted
And all my foes squashed dead.

So I pilfered the bag of holding
And inside, what more could I behold?
It was full, not with gems,
Not with scrolls, not with gold.

The treasure was useful and strong
Petal green, soft as dew
Behold, I’d found within the bag
The Legendary Rhynn Thneed + 2!

Then I heard it, talking to me.
A voice as secret as a Whisper-Ma-Phone.
“Listen! It’s not too late!
You can save us! You can save our home!”

“I am Ellesime,” the whisper wisped.
“I speak for the trees, for the trees have no tongues.
I plead with you, Bhaalspawn
From the top of my lungs.”

“The trees are dying without you.
The Rhynn Thneed will show you the way
The trees are dying! Save us!
Save us from their decay!”

I looked at Kelsey
Not to flirt, but to inquire
“What should I do
When things sound so dire?”

“The way I see it,” Kelsey said.
“You’re probably asleep.
Dreaming, like I dream about dryads
And worries that will not keep.”

“It’s better that you don’t fret.
Enjoy this moment of rest.
We’ll be waiting when you awake.
It’s all for the best.”

So I settled into my nap
With nice thoughts my sweetest friends
And I dreamed of honeycomb
And robe-fondling, and inns.

Well, what would you do
If the Bhaalspawn were you?

Newt had always suspected that people who regularly used the word "community" were using it in a very specific sense that excluded him and everyone he knew.

             --Neil Gaiman, Terry Pratchett, "Good Omens"


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