Author Topic: Comments on "Only a friend"  (Read 3092 times)

Offline Miss Sakaki

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Comments on "Only a friend"
« on: February 16, 2005, 09:23:34 AM »
Comments, anyone?  :D
Would you give a guy a foot massage? If so, maybe you'd like Nathaniel.

What's a little falsehood between friends? The mysteries of The Luxley Family are soon to be unravelled.

Offline Miss Sakaki

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Re: Comments on "Only a friend"
« Reply #1 on: February 16, 2005, 10:20:47 AM »
Hellooo? Pretty please, even a little one?
Would you give a guy a foot massage? If so, maybe you'd like Nathaniel.

What's a little falsehood between friends? The mysteries of The Luxley Family are soon to be unravelled.

Offline Evaine Dian

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Re: Comments on "Only a friend"
« Reply #2 on: February 16, 2005, 10:31:55 AM »
Maybe you should wait longer than an hour.
"Show me how you do that trick! The one that makes me scream", she said,
"the one that makes me laugh!" she said and threw her arms around my neck.
"Show me how you do it and I promise you, I promise that
I'll run away with you, I'll run away with you..."

Offline Ashara

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Re: Comments on "Only a friend"
« Reply #3 on: February 16, 2005, 10:33:34 AM »
Hmm... you see, a comment that if you recieve on a 14-part badly paragraphed story an hour after posting, that comment will tell you one thing only: the reviewer did not read it or glossed over it enough to pick out main characters and general trend.

But if you really want it, here we go:

I really like Garrick as a character. Your story is an inspiring saga and it yay! uses Solaufein - the most charming drow known to BG2 audience. The depth of characterisation is stunning and the setting made me gasp. The pacing was awsome and dialogues vivid to the point of blowing me off my feet. I bow to your creative genius

Now, which parts of what I typed in you believed?
Hang in there. I'll try to make you glad you did.
—George R.R. Martin

There is nothing better than imagining other worlds [...] to forget the painful one we live in. At least so I thought then. I hadn't yet realized that, imagining other worlds, you end up changing this one.
-Umberto Eco, Baudolino

Three mods you shall make - one too bad and one to dread and one to love.

Offline Miss Sakaki

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Re: Comments on "Only a friend"
« Reply #4 on: February 16, 2005, 10:40:00 AM »
Sorry. I'm new to fanfic posting.  :'(
Would you give a guy a foot massage? If so, maybe you'd like Nathaniel.

What's a little falsehood between friends? The mysteries of The Luxley Family are soon to be unravelled.

Offline jcompton

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Re: Comments on "Only a friend"
« Reply #5 on: February 16, 2005, 10:43:49 AM »
Okay, just relax a minute. :)

Evaine's right... you have to give the audience a chance to filter through the board, and decide if they've got the time to read a multi-part story and formulate their thoughts. And Domi, veteran that she is, was illustrating that comments issued in haste usually aren't the most satisfying anyway.

For my part, I took a look and realized that I didn't have the time, so I made a note to think about coming back later. In any given day some hundreds of people visit the forums. Give it some time, your audience will arrive. :)

Cespenar says, "Kelsey and friends be at the Pocket Plane? Ohhh yesssss!" http://www.pocketplane.net

Offline Miss Sakaki

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Re: Comments on "Only a friend"
« Reply #6 on: February 16, 2005, 10:46:03 AM »
Okay. Sorry to be sensitive. Ach, now I'm apologising again!

Thanks Jason, I feel a lot better.

*goes into staratruck teen mode* ps - Kelsey is a marvel!
Would you give a guy a foot massage? If so, maybe you'd like Nathaniel.

What's a little falsehood between friends? The mysteries of The Luxley Family are soon to be unravelled.

Offline SeanFan

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Re: Comments on "Only a friend"
« Reply #7 on: February 17, 2005, 12:25:32 AM »
Sorry it's taken me so long to comment, I read the story this morning at work but wanted time to read it again before I commented.

First of all, I *do* know how you feel, I posted my first fanfic a few days ago, and it is hard leaving your baby out there all alone at the mercy of strangers.  :)

I'll start with some things I liked about your story. I'm not a big fan of slash, but I thought the overall storyline worked pretty well. Although there was one aspect of her personality that I had questions about, (more below) your PC, Fuscienne, worked well in the context of the story you were telling. I did like the fact that you included Anomen as her friend and confidante even though they weren't romantically involved. More often, unless the PC is romancing Anomen, he's characterized as the party's resident arrogant jerk.

Okay, things I thought needed improvement.

First, it was unclear to me what exactly Fuscienne was so depressed and worried about. Was it guilt over having turned into the slayer? Worry that it might happen again against her will? I couldn't tell. When you start talking about "it" being the reason Jaheira and Imoen left, my first reaction was, "Well, what the heck IS 'it'?"

There were also several places where I felt the dialog or actions sort of "came out of the blue" without enough foreshadowing or any real connection to what had happened before. For instance, I would have preferred to have seen some hint that she was interested in Sola before he showed up to comfort her. Also, later in the story, the para that starts "It made her feel a little strange to be called 'my lady'" seems to have little connection to what comes before or after it. Maybe you felt there were things in that para that needed to be said, but IMO it sounded quite forced. Then, a few paragraphs later, she has a conversation with Sola where she thanks him for comforting her. His response is a question about whether she is involved with Anomen.  Maybe I'm old fashioned, but IMO saying 'thank you' when someone is kind to you is generally not considered the equivalent of "I want you, baby", so I was baffled by Sola's response.

Now to what I consider the single biggest problem with the story...your reliance on PLOT DEVICE VILLAINS to move the story forward. I counted what, 3 or 4 places where a bad guy just appeared out of nowhere (sometimes literally) to put the good guys in peril so you could have the PC show her love for Sola, or Anomen show how conflicted he was about Garrick etc. There's nothing inherently wrong with using conflict with 'red shirts' to help drive the interaction between characters, but it has to be a natural outgrowth of the story you are telling. The only one of the battles in your story that kinda worked in terms of providing a natural progression of the story was the Trademeet crypt one. The last one, where the woman suddenly threatened Keldorn's daughter with a knife, was IMO not just contrived but painfully contrived.

One more comment. I know absolutely nothing about how homosexuality is regarded in Faerun, but since your treatment of homosexuality in the story seems pretty much identical to real life, I'm going to comment on Anomen and Garrick's relationship in that context. It seemed that you were suggesting that neither Anomen nor Garrick had had any gay relationships or even interest in other men "that way" until the incident in the cave. Now *that* severely strains my suspension of disbelief. For one thing, my gay friends are pretty much unanimous that it doesn't work that way.

I think it would have been much more believable if at least one of them had either had a gay relationship or at least acknowledged feelings of that sort before the story takes place. Garrick would be the obvious choice, since he is quite accepting of his feelings for Anomen, and (if I can engage in some flagrant stereotyping) he's a *bard* for heaven's sake! Anomen has always struck me as pretty hetero, but for the purposes of the story I think he could be reasonably portrayed as having thoroughly repressed any sexual interest in men. BTW, this would be absolutely trivial to fix. In the discussion between A & G about the girl Garrick had been engaged to, he could simply say that he was secretly relieved it was called off because he found he was more attracted to men.

I hope you find my comments useful. I do think there's the core of a good story here, but I do think you need to do something about those random, plot-device villains!
« Last Edit: February 17, 2005, 08:20:09 AM by SeanFan »

Offline Western Paladin

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Re: Comments on "Only a friend"
« Reply #8 on: February 17, 2005, 04:11:48 AM »
I just read all the way through (what's up there now) and I quite liked it. It was well-written and, to use a cheesy phrase, I couldn't look away. Like SeanFan, I also noticed the mysteriously appearing bad guys right away. Give it some thought, if you will, but so far it seems quite good.
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Offline Miss Sakaki

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Re: Comments on "Only a friend"
« Reply #9 on: February 17, 2005, 10:18:20 AM »
First up - thanks for the suggestions, they're very much appreciated, and the compliments too !  :D

First, it was unclear to me what exactly Fuscienne was so depressed and worried about.

I'll make it clearer - it's a mixture of guilt for the Slayer change and the uncontrollability of it, the fact that she could have killed one of her friends.

Maybe I'm old fashioned, but IMO saying 'thank you' when someone is kind to you is generally not considered the equivalent of "I want you, baby", so I was baffled by Sola's response.

I was a little unsatisfied with the Fuscienne/Solaufein development before posting myself but thought I may as well and see what feedback I get. Plus I kind of forgot (how could I?) about the human/elf difficulty. *slaps forehead with hand*  :-[

I do think you need to do something about those random, plot-device villains!

I would quote Western Paladin's comment too but I haven't got the hang of quoting multiple posts yet... Thankyou, I'll be less slapdash in the rewrite!


Garrick would be the obvious choice, since he is quite accepting of his feelings for Anomen, and (if I can engage in some flagrant stereotyping) he's a *bard* for heaven's sake!

Well, I always had my thoughts about Garrick's (lack of) masculinity ... that pink cloak! Thanks for the suggestion for making Anomen's feelings more believable.
Would you give a guy a foot massage? If so, maybe you'd like Nathaniel.

What's a little falsehood between friends? The mysteries of The Luxley Family are soon to be unravelled.

Offline Regullus

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Re: Comments on "Only a friend"
« Reply #10 on: February 17, 2005, 05:57:21 PM »
 All in all I thought it an amusing read, and quite well done. I would echo SeanFan about the contrived qualities of the numerous encounters. I did think the fight scenes were amusing, I took them to be a slight parody of the Jaheira romance.

 I am agreement with SeanFan over the romance and the unlikely idea that neither party had any inkling of a same sex attachment prior to the cave encounter and I would also agree that Garrick is the more obvious choice as instigator although one shouldn't dismiss all those years of same sex showering at the Order.

 As to Fuscienne's crying, I think too a better explanation of why she is so upset, and after your explanation of her distress in the comment section, I still don't think her behaviour is entirely believable. I think her behavior could become more believable with detail.

 I especially liked how you disposed of Jaheira and Imoen in your tale.  I liked very much your use of the much underused Garrick, I cannot recall reading another Garrick fanfic.

 I enjoyed the story. :)

Offline Miss Sakaki

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Re: Comments on "Only a friend"
« Reply #11 on: February 18, 2005, 11:07:15 AM »
one shouldn't dismiss all those years of same sex showering at the Order.
Good point!  ;) I hadn't thought of that actually.


I especially liked how you disposed of Jaheira and Imoen in your tale.  I liked very much your use of the much underused Garrick, I cannot recall reading another Garrick fanfic.
 I enjoyed the story. :)

Thanks very much! *is very pleased*  :D
Would you give a guy a foot massage? If so, maybe you'd like Nathaniel.

What's a little falsehood between friends? The mysteries of The Luxley Family are soon to be unravelled.

 

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