15 minutes to make a sandwich? How the heck is that manly? That post was way too sissy for me to even finish reading.
Inspired by this thread, I made my first attempt ever at cooking tofu today. My recipe also takes longer than 15 minutes, but it contains beer and turnips and is thereby manly by definition. Here we go:
1 piece (or should that be 'block'? 'chunk'? 'glob'? Yes, I think 'glob' comes pretty close) of tofu
1-2 onions (I used red onions, because I like them. If you're too manly to eat anything that's red, any kind of onion should do)
1 turnip (Your manly instincts may tell you to use the largest turnip you can find, but go for a small one if you can. It's not the size, it's what you do with it. And the large ones tend to be dry and don't taste very well)
2-3 portobello mushrooms (you can probably use any kind of mushroom, as long as it's not poisonous. Some mushrooms are illegal, though)
1 bottle of beer (I used "McCallum's Stout", because I'm a sucker for phrases like "Since 1762" and "Hand crafted in Scotland". It would probably make more sense to use something cheap, since it's going to be boiled with the rest of the stuff anyway. I should probably take another look at the bottle to see if it really says "hand crafted", too, because that doesn't make any sense to me. Unless Scottish brewers brew beer in their cupped hands. Which would probably be very manly, but not very hygienic)
a handful of rice noodles (or more, if you have small hands. Or if you like noodles)
garlic
soy sauce
powdered chili
Cut the tofu into pieces (with a cutlass, if you have one, because pirates are way cool. An ordinary knife will also do) and soak them (the pieces, not the pirates) in soy sauce (with added garlic) for a while. Realize that you're going to need some kind of pot or pan to cook the tofu in, and spend up to five minutes finding one. Heat oil (Yeah, I didn't say you were going to need oil, but I'm sure you'll manage. Olive oil is good. Other kinds of vegetable oil will do. Motor oil should only be used if you really don't have anything else) in the pot or pan (let's say it's a pan, because it was).
Put the tofu in the pan, and start slicing the onions, the turnip and the mushrooms. Find the powdered chili and realize that you should have used it already. Dump it into the pan when nobody is looking.
Add the onion slices, and start looking for a lid. When you've found the lid, add the turnip slices and put the lid on the pan. Wait. Add a bit of salt. Wait again. Add the mushrooms. Wait some more.
Open the bottle of beer, look at it longingly and then pour it into the pan. Remember to lift the lid first. Let the whole thing boil for about fifteen minutes. Stir vigorously, not because it's needed, but because looking at a pan for fifteen minutes is kind of boring. Add the noodles, wait for a couple of minutes, or until the noodles are getting soft (that takes a couple of minutes, incidentally).
Umm... that's about it. I was planning to add something informative and/or humorous at the end, but I can't think of anything.