Author Topic: Comments on "The Last Trump"  (Read 1190 times)

Offline cliffette

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Comments on "The Last Trump"
« on: October 16, 2004, 06:44:35 PM »
Now I shall have to play through the entire game again to reread that epilogue for its entire emotional impact.

It was very gentle and poignant and I liked how you revealed alot through suggestion rather than blunt description. Those unfamiliar with the epilogue might find it confusing, but it was beautiful anyway.

Minor gripes : Some misplaced apostrophes were distracting to this grammar nazi, and some sentences could have been broken up with commas. But all in all, I'm glad you're back and writing. :)

The apostrophes:
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Gods die notů
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And when finally, it was wholly made, its tall straight back was topped
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It was a trophy, then, its meaning not in its shape.


The comma issue: eg
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The Throne will change, it assumes
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Were they three in one moment, that most common of social events a family gathering?
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But it is no river, it is only a road, and it does not speak.

Offline jcompton

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Re: Comments on "The Last Trump"
« Reply #1 on: October 16, 2004, 08:38:30 PM »
Quote
Consider the road.  Not The Road.  Just a road, with a destination on both ends it is neither here nor there.  For some it is a burden, for others a blessing, some ignore it all together and some can never find it even though they try.  One foot falls on that road: She walks, her eyes on the wagon rut that has worn a meandering depression in the dry and cracked ground.  The air is as hot and dusty as her throat, and the storm clouds dark and low in the eastern sky seem to exist only to taunt her with their promise of rain and relief.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm hearing this delivered by Rod Serling.

It's always interesting to see Kelsey events reinterpreted through stories (although I really can't stress enough: people don't have to only post Kelsey stories! I swear!)

I'm not sure I know what the timeframe is meant to be through the story, and I'm curious about its construction, since it seems to be a bit on the conceptual side as far as the chapters are concerned. Did you bounce around ideas and pick the ones that were roughly at the beginning, middle, and end and just frame it with the chapter numbers to let us know that, yes, we're not seeing chunks of the tale? Or is there something more to it that I'm not getting?
Cespenar says, "Kelsey and friends be at the Pocket Plane? Ohhh yesssss!" http://www.pocketplane.net

Offline Ajnos

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Re: Comments on "The Last Trump"
« Reply #2 on: October 16, 2004, 10:17:06 PM »
It was very gentle and poignant and I liked how you revealed alot through suggestion rather than blunt description. Those unfamiliar with the epilogue might find it confusing, but it was beautiful anyway.

Minor gripes : Some misplaced apostrophes were distracting to this grammar nazi, and some sentences could have been broken up with commas. But all in all, I'm glad you're back and writing. :)

Well, clearly the epilogue is required reading but I'm glad it was readable.  Thanks for catching those errors; I really do appreciate it.  :)


Did you bounce around ideas and pick the ones that were roughly at the beginning, middle, and end and just frame it with the chapter numbers to let us know that, yes, we're not seeing chunks of the tale?

Um, yeah, that was pretty much it.  The chapter numbers and titles are cards of the Major Arcana, the trump cards of a Tarot deck.  They are in a sequential order, because it fit and I liked the gaps it made.  I didn't really think that the epilogue needed to be completely re-realized by me, the story was already told.  I originally wrote a few more in-between portions but they just seemed extraneous.  I guess I could restore some of the other sections, if it seems incomplete.  I'm not sure now.
There's no earthly way of knowing
Which direction we are going
There's no knowing where we're rowing
Or which way the river's flowing

Offline jcompton

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Re: Comments on "The Last Trump"
« Reply #3 on: October 16, 2004, 10:31:15 PM »
Um, yeah, that was pretty much it.  The chapter numbers and titles are cards of the Major Arcana, the trump cards of a Tarot deck.  They are in a sequential order, because it fit and I liked the gaps it made.  I didn't really think that the epilogue needed to be completely re-realized by me, the story was already told.  I originally wrote a few more in-between portions but they just seemed extraneous.  I guess I could restore some of the other sections, if it seems incomplete.  I'm not sure now.

I "got" the device you were using, but I know nothing of tarot so I didn't get the significance of the chapter names, so that's my gap in understanding. I guess I was saying "Was there more here than I realized?" and in fact there was, and now you've told me. :)

You're right in that the epilogue doesn't need to be re-realized, I do think there's the "right" amount of detail here for what you tried to do. Just checking, that's all.

And I will also admit that I'm so stupid that I forgot a significant component of my own damn story until I re-read yours. :) And now that I've remembered, the story works rather better for me.
Cespenar says, "Kelsey and friends be at the Pocket Plane? Ohhh yesssss!" http://www.pocketplane.net

 

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