comments on "Into the Pit"

[Pirengle]

I like this piece. It has flavors of Fight Club and First Blood and fits well in the Underdark setting. This is a piece that works well on its own but I'd love it if you wrote more. (Do they have a 6th party member? There's Crispin, Marek, Aerie, Jaheira, Anomen, and a sixth maybe?)

I only have one nitpick, and it's minor.

“I’m having trouble enough with Aerie.  She can’t seem to get it in her head that we’re supposed to act like drow as well as look like drow.”  Crispin didn’t miss the flicker of emotion that passed over Marek’s face at his mention of Aerie.  His guess was on the mark.  “Though, she’s a piece of ass.”

Crispin's speaking, right? (BTW, I like how the dialogue infers that Marek has the hots for Aerie but there's nothing really serious between them yet. Nicely done!)

[Kirwond]

I enjoyed this piece very much. The grim tone went beautifully with the setting, and it's always a pleasure to see an unusual character fleshed out. I know you'd like this piece to be brief, but I would love to see more of Marek!

There was one spot that stopped me.

Marek shrugged off Crispin's hand and pulled his tunic over his head before answering.  He seemed smaller clothed.  Marek was silent so long that Crispin was afraid he’d pushed Marek into his dark place that took him days to climb out of.  Crispin always feared that one time he wouldn’t come back.  Crispin debated whether to leave him alone when Marek spoke. 

Marek shrugging Crispin's hand off before answering and Marek being silent so long seemed at odds with each other, perhaps because having answering before silence implies that he talked and then was silent, when it's the other way around. And then there's the last sentence, which has Marek again about to speak. Also, I wished that this bit had been separated out from Marek's actual speech.

Just my opinion, of course, and it really didn't detract too much from the piece. 

[Perdita]

I like this piece. It has flavors of Fight Club and First Blood and fits well in the Underdark setting. This is a piece that works well on its own but I'd love it if you wrote more. (Do they have a 6th party member? There's Crispin, Marek, Aerie, Jaheira, Anomen, and a sixth maybe?)

I hadn't really thought about it, thinking that there might be only five of them, but I guess it would have to be Imoen, since they're still on the way back from her rescue, and Crispin isn't the sort to make her get home on her own.

I only have one nitpick, and it's minor.

“I’m having trouble enough with Aerie.  She can’t seem to get it in her head that we’re supposed to act like drow as well as look like drow.”  Crispin didn’t miss the flicker of emotion that passed over Marek’s face at his mention of Aerie.  His guess was on the mark.  “Though, she’s a piece of ass.”

Crispin's speaking, right? (BTW, I like how the dialogue infers that Marek has the hots for Aerie but there's nothing really serious between them yet. Nicely done!)

Yes, that's Crispin speaking, but you're right, there's a problem.  I think the comment isn't in Crispin's voice; I'll have to tweak it.

There was one spot that stopped me.

Marek shrugged off Crispin's hand and pulled his tunic over his head before answering.  He seemed smaller clothed.  Marek was silent so long that Crispin was afraid he’d pushed Marek into his dark place that took him days to climb out of.  Crispin always feared that one time he wouldn’t come back.  Crispin debated whether to leave him alone when Marek spoke. 

Marek shrugging Crispin's hand off before answering and Marek being silent so long seemed at odds with each other, perhaps because having answering before silence implies that he talked and then was silent, when it's the other way around. And then there's the last sentence, which has Marek again about to speak. Also, I wished that this bit had been separated out from Marek's actual speech.

Just my opinion, of course, and it really didn't detract too much from the piece. 

Yes, that is awkward.  Thanks for identifying it; I'll try to mend it.

I enjoyed this piece very much. The grim tone went beautifully with the setting, and it's always a pleasure to see an unusual character fleshed out. I know you'd like this piece to be brief, but I would love to see more of Marek!

I don't have any plans to write more Marek stories, but if I can conquer that not-enough-time monster, you may see him again as an NPC.

Thanks Pirengle and Kirwond for all your comments.  If you want to see more, I guess Marek passes the test.   

Cyn