Author Topic: A Modest Proposal (Warning: Joke)  (Read 1886 times)

Offline BobTokyo

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A Modest Proposal (Warning: Joke)
« on: July 14, 2004, 01:20:58 PM »
The Terribly, Terribly Nice Mod

I think we can all agree that Baldur’s Gate II is perhaps a not very peaceful game. In fact, it is a game filled with unpleasant people who settle their conflicts through, well, violence. That is why I propose the Terribly, Terribly Nice Mod for Baldur’s Gate II, a Mod that will replace all of the violent, objectionable elements of the game with a much nicer approach to doing things.

Some Proposed Changes:

1)   Torture. This is simply not nice at all. Instead of “torturing” CHARNAME and Imoen to unlock their potential, I propose that Irenicus has instead been holding warm, intimate enlightenment and self realization sessions with them, discussing their feelings and trying to help them to find the God or Goddess within.

2)   Death. Death is very scary to the spiritually underdeveloped, and should be seen as a transition to a higher plane, the continuation of a great journey, rather than an ending of brain activity followed by physical decay and eventual consumption by a variety of crawly things. Death by violence can be particularly disturbing. Therefore, I propose that each unavoidable death scene in the game be followed by the appearance of a new, non-joinable NPC, Dr. Snuggles, who will provide grief counseling and emotional support to the NPCs and, through them, more sensitive players.

3)   Combat. Now this is simply not something we should be showing the young. After all, all forms of violent conflict are things of the distant, unremembered past in the real world, so why traumatize a new generation of developing Adult Persons through exposure to such terrors? I would suggest that instead, all weapons in the game be replaced with happy, fluffy, cuddly stuffed animals, and all combat animations replaced with scenes of dancing and gentle play. Plot advancing combats may be replaced with tea parties and, in extreme cases, book review circle meetings, where those involved may engage in a free, fair and above all kind exchange of views until a unanimous consensus is reached.

4)   Lord of Murder is just not a family friendly title at all. I would suggest that it be replaced with Lord of Playful Naughtiness.

Other suggestions for making Amn into a Lovely, Gentle place where everyone may be terribly, terribly happy are of course eagerly anticipated.

Offline Mongoose87

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Re: A Modest Proposal (Warning: Joke)
« Reply #1 on: July 14, 2004, 04:40:15 PM »
I think one would quickly grow insane (or more so in some cases)(actualy most cases)) in such an unpleasant environment.

Offline St. Josephine

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Re: A Modest Proposal (Warning: Joke)
« Reply #2 on: July 14, 2004, 04:52:42 PM »
Now, I wish there were some way to implement a way so that there was *no* leader of the party, because, as everyone here knows, leadership implies that someone is better than someone else and we all know that everyone in the party has their own unique talents. I was thinking of some vague grouping, with each member walking forward to share the burden of directing the group at regular intervals.  Maybe instead of "leader", the character at the front of the formation could have the temporary, rotating title of "Peace and Freedom Bearer"?

Hmmm...
Cailean: An archer NPC for the insatiably nosy!

Despite his heartthrob status in real life, Orlando Bloom has consistently functioned as a node of negative energy onscreen, sucking the life force out of all who surround him. --Dana Stevens, Slate.com

Offline Perdita

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Re: A Modest Proposal (Warning: Joke)
« Reply #3 on: July 14, 2004, 10:39:37 PM »

... book review circle meetings, where those involved may engage in a free, fair and above all kind exchange of views until a unanimous consensus is reached.


You haven't been to many book discussions, have you?   ;)
Ever wonder what an impulsive bard would do if she feared her boyfriend Anomen were turning back into a vampire?  No?  Well, read my new fanfic, Life During Wartime, and find out anyway.

Offline Mongoose87

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Re: A Modest Proposal (Warning: Joke)
« Reply #4 on: July 16, 2004, 09:00:47 AM »
Now, I wish there were some way to implement a way so that there was *no* leader of the party, because, as everyone here knows, leadership implies that someone is better than someone else and we all know that everyone in the party has their own unique talents. I was thinking of some vague grouping, with each member walking forward to share the burden of directing the group at regular intervals.  Maybe instead of "leader", the character at the front of the formation could have the temporary, rotating title of "Peace and Freedom Bearer"?

Hmmm...
They could take turns wielding supreme executive power for a week, and all their decisions could be ratified at a bi-weekly meeting.

Offline Cybersquirt

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Re: A Modest Proposal (Warning: Joke)
« Reply #5 on: July 17, 2004, 01:23:33 AM »
(Yes.  Heaven forbid we actually think about anything.  Thinking's no fun.  ::))
« Last Edit: July 17, 2004, 01:25:58 AM by Cybersquirt »
Stupid is as stupid does.

Offline St. Josephine

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Re: A Modest Proposal (Warning: Joke)
« Reply #6 on: July 17, 2004, 10:11:14 AM »
Heaven forbid anyone's idea of fun is not incessant navel-gazing.  ::)
« Last Edit: July 17, 2004, 10:18:40 AM by St. Josephine »
Cailean: An archer NPC for the insatiably nosy!

Despite his heartthrob status in real life, Orlando Bloom has consistently functioned as a node of negative energy onscreen, sucking the life force out of all who surround him. --Dana Stevens, Slate.com

Offline neriana

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Re: A Modest Proposal (Warning: Joke)
« Reply #7 on: July 18, 2004, 03:51:27 PM »
Heaven forbid anyone's idea of fun is not incessant navel-gazing.  ::)

Whose navel are we talking about here?
The color of infinity inside an empty glass.