Author Topic: Comments on "Dreaming of Anomen"  (Read 2443 times)

Offline Perdita

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Comments on "Dreaming of Anomen"
« on: April 04, 2004, 12:36:18 AM »
Hi BevH,

Congratulations on your first fan fic!  You have presented an interesting idea and I think you tell it well.  As an added plus, it’s on my favorite character, Anomen!  I hope you don’t mind if I have a few comments.

My first impression of your story was that it ended at the beginning, just where it was really getting started.  The first part up until the last paragraph is summary, and the new development occurs at the end.  Instead of summarizing, you could write some dialogue that shows what has happened.  Also, I was confused by the timeline.  Anomen and the PC have had a child and a life together, so at first I thought that Anomen was dying of old age or some injury, and the PC now has to make the choice of godhood again that she merely postponed.  Or did you just alter the timeline, so that there is more time between the events of the game and the final battle?  Another thing I saw here, was that maybe it was sort of a Last Temptation of Christ plot, in which the PC is shown how her life will be with Anomen, and she has to choose godhood or his life.  Whichever way you intend it, I think you need to make it clear.  Unless of course I’m the only one who’s confused.   ???   :D

Keep writing!

Ever wonder what an impulsive bard would do if she feared her boyfriend Anomen were turning back into a vampire?  No?  Well, read my new fanfic, Life During Wartime, and find out anyway.

Offline BevH

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Re: Comments on "Dreaming of Anomen"
« Reply #1 on: April 04, 2004, 08:32:38 PM »
No, no, I do not mind constructive criticism at all.  I think that's really the main purpose of the comments thread anyway.

I'm sorry the thing wasn't clear.  I am working on an expanded version.  The point of the story up to the last paragraph is that Ashara is remembering her life with Anomen and then doing a little fantasizing on what her life could have been like if he hadn't been killed in the final battle.  She hasn't really been paying attention to the Solar until reminded she has a decision to make.

I'm glad you liked it and thanks for the comments!
~Bev~ (http://pages.prodigy.net/bah53/_images/angelsmiley.gif)

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Offline Bons

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Re: Comments on "Dreaming of Anomen"
« Reply #2 on: April 08, 2004, 12:03:04 PM »
I'm glad you're working on an expanded version, because I like the story concept. One of the most important things in making it work is going to be the transitions between what Ashara is remembering, what is currently taking place, and the 'what-ifs' she is fantasizing about. That's murky at the moment. I'm also craving more intimate details here. Since you're dealing with memories and fantasy,that makes it a more introspective piece, and I think that makes it more important that the reader understands Ashara's character and motivations than if it was a pure action story.  Each of the current paragraphs could be developed into its own part, and not just to give more information about Ashara in relation to Anomen, but more insight about Ashara's character itself. How independent is she? How pre-disposed to fall in love is she? Have the trials of being a Bhaalspawn overwhelmed her? Is she instrinctive or methodical? I'm going crazy with the questions, but Ashara is a bit of a blank slate right now.

Most of what I've said is along the lines of Perdita's comments, so I'll chime in another echo: my attention wasn't fully arrested until the last paragraph. Even in this abbreviated form, I found that moment poignant, and it was based on the action of Ashara cradling Anomen's lifeless body. If there's no action to cue us, the more you show us inside Ashara's head before this point, the more emotionally involving the story will be throughout. The ending will also have that much more impact.

Again, I'm really happy you are expanding this piece, because I think it has great potential to be excellent with development.


EDIT: I forgot to say "Yay!" for posting your first fanfic! :)
« Last Edit: April 08, 2004, 12:34:12 PM by Bons »
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