I'm glad you're working on an expanded version, because I like the story concept. One of the most important things in making it work is going to be the transitions between what Ashara is remembering, what is currently taking place, and the 'what-ifs' she is fantasizing about. That's murky at the moment. I'm also craving more intimate details here. Since you're dealing with memories and fantasy,that makes it a more introspective piece, and I think that makes it more important that the reader understands Ashara's character and motivations than if it was a pure action story. Each of the current paragraphs could be developed into its own part, and not just to give more information about Ashara in relation to Anomen, but more insight about Ashara's character itself. How independent is she? How pre-disposed to fall in love is she? Have the trials of being a Bhaalspawn overwhelmed her? Is she instrinctive or methodical? I'm going crazy with the questions, but Ashara is a bit of a blank slate right now.
Most of what I've said is along the lines of Perdita's comments, so I'll chime in another echo: my attention wasn't fully arrested until the last paragraph. Even in this abbreviated form, I found that moment poignant, and it was based on the action of Ashara cradling Anomen's lifeless body. If there's no action to cue us, the more you show us inside Ashara's head before this point, the more emotionally involving the story will be throughout. The ending will also have that much more impact.
Again, I'm really happy you are expanding this piece, because I think it has great potential to be excellent with development.
EDIT: I forgot to say "Yay!" for posting your first fanfic!