Author Topic: Less-Respectable Works of Cromptni  (Read 5404 times)

Offline jcompton

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Less-Respectable Works of Cromptni
« on: April 02, 2004, 11:46:04 AM »
A Most Heinous Parking Ticket

Lieutenant Aegisfield hated drawing wagon inspection. He hated drawing it even more in the Promenade, where caravans and merchants and shoppers sprawled hither and yon like a shaken box of granola. His duties in the Bridge District were far more important, what with cruel murderers on the loose. But once a tenday, whether he liked or not (and he never did, and never would), it was time to mete out some serious parking punishment.

So Aegisfield gave his box of granola another disgusted shake when he came upon the foulest, most inconsiderately parked wagon he had seen in many a tour. The thing stank of goblins and thieves' scalps. Someone (a goblin?) had left a splintered wheel half-changed, with both the new and the old wheel laying several feet from the wagon and the whole contraption precariously jacked up on a three-foot timber and a peach crate.

Aegisfield fumed. The same Tyr-damned cart every time! And only more and more brazenly parked! Clearly, someone was not learning his lesson. Clearly, something would have to be done. And clearly, he was the man to do it.

He licked his fingers and pulled the largest parking ticket from his pouch. Scribbled in the standard 1-lion fine. Decided that was insufficient... so a five will make it 15. Much better. No, no, not enough, spoke the greed and bloodlust of Aegisfield's abused pride. So more it was. A zero like so, and 150 gold would fill the Council's coffers this eve!

But why stop there? Giggling with glee, a second zero. No less than 1500 golden lions, to be delivered on... yes, on pain of death to the Council chambers by sundown. This would be a fine to remember, thought Aegisfield. Finally, they will learn respect. Finally, they will learn discipline. Finally, they will learn the error of their ways... whomever these goblin-keeping reprobates happened to be.

***

As Aegisfield's stamp struck home, certifying authenticity in bright crimson, a few hundred feet north and a few hundred more downward, a tormented shell of a man stood bolt upright, struck at the base of his spine by a pain he could not identify. Not for the first time, and not for the last time, Joneleth had been unmade at the hands of the very people responsible for helping him.

He could not learn the crime of improper parking through cruel persuasion, could not be forced to face the errors of his ways. And so it was ordained--Aegisfield would fall, as would so many others who could not see the man for what he was, and what he could be. For a parking ticket of such premeditated malice, there could be no forgiveness, no quarter.

(This could go on for a bit but I think you get the point.)
Cespenar says, "Kelsey and friends be at the Pocket Plane? Ohhh yesssss!" http://www.pocketplane.net

Offline jcompton

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Re: Less-Respectable Works of Cromptni
« Reply #1 on: April 02, 2004, 11:46:55 AM »
Mischaracterization Theater, Episode 1

It was times like these, when the campfire roared loudest, that Elenina appreciated her true friends. There was really nothing more precious in all the world.

Sweet, sweet Anomen, deep in slumber already. She carefully collected up the empty bottles around him--Anomen did so treasure his collection of labels, mustn't let any go to waste!--and made sure he wouldn't get a kink in his neck. Anomen had had to defend himself from a completely unprovoked two-on-one attack from both that conniving circus bitch and the trumped-up paladin today. Hello? When a man is clearly wearing a "do not disturb" sign, he is not to be disturbed!

Cleaning up the dishes already was Korgan. Elenina was glad that Korgan had dumped Mazzy. She was too judgemental, too restrictive on what, deep down, she knew was a beautiful soul. Sure, Korgan toted her head around for a few days, but who could question Korgan's story that she had attacked him as he slumbered after Korgan told her it was over between them? She knew she had it coming, and Korgan had proven time and time again that his integrity was beyond reproach. The trophy certainly wasn't disrespectful... if anything, it was far more immortality than Mazzy was ever going to earn conning the nice people of Trademeet into thinking she was some sort of god-favored adventuress! The nerve!

And, oh, Edwin, how she longed to be closer to him. but he had explained to her, calmly and rationally, how it was better that they remain friends. He was so smart. But what a friend he was! When the tea-kettle went on, there was no one more apt to tell an uplifting story--and his tea was delicious, too! How many times had Edwin, completely without asking, provided her with a much-needed backrub or snuck off to mend her armor, asking nothing in return? More than she could count... certainly too many, but she was so greedy she didn't care. Edwin was going to make the right lady a fine husband someday, and she would be honored to stand at his side for the ceremony.

And, ah, Sarevok, light of her life was approaching. He had rescued her from oppression, showed her that life truly was all about making the right choices, and how to think creatively. Here was a man worthy of as many lives she could provide him with, at any cost or inconvenience to herself. Her heart swelled with pride and affection when he approached, and yet she couldn't help but be curious what he had in the box with him...

...no, it couldn't be, and yet with a squeal of delight, she realized what it was that Sarevok had brought--one for everyone in the party but she knew that the twins were for her, vibrant and full of goodness and light.

Puppies.
Cespenar says, "Kelsey and friends be at the Pocket Plane? Ohhh yesssss!" http://www.pocketplane.net

Offline jcompton

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Re: Less-Respectable Works of Cromptni
« Reply #2 on: April 02, 2004, 11:47:15 AM »
Mischaracterization Theater, Episode 2: The Mods

Drogo laid back, letting the Ilmaterite tend to yet another damn bruise that wouldn't heal. They came to him, these days, so if he wanted to camp outside the de'Arnise Keep, well by golly they were going to heal him right there. He had a lot of time to think these days, so he watched his party frolic and cavort. They were a fun group, after hours. He stood up and stretched and considered.

Kelsey's loud belch punctured the silence. Drogo was starting to wonder if he would ever be safe from Kelsey. When Yoshimo failed to return from their recent scouting expedition, everyone accepted Kelsey's story that he had fallen in a bottomless pit. Things got a little more suspicious when Kelsey started wearing Yoshimo's shadow armor (originally presumed lost with the body in the aforementioned pit) and fashioning a set of lockpicks from what appeared to be a human femur. You didn't get in Kelsey's way, not unless you wanted trouble. Drogo touched the bridge of his nose—still a bit tender from where Kelsey had broken it the day they met after Drogo sassed back about Kelsey's lack of help with the Wizards—and quickly looked elsewhere, lest Kelsey's uncanny sixth sense pick up that he was being watched. He was too weak to endure another beating.

Tashia and Valen sat together, quietly quilting. They were a funny pair, almost inseparable. An unlikely sisterhood, but Tashia had taken the repentant fledgling vampire under her wing as only she could—a fountain of patience and generosity, was Tashia. It was even her idea to let Valen keep her strength up by supping on her pure elven blood from time to time. Of course, the thought had horrified Valen at first but when Tashia's mind was made up to help someone, well, there was nothing in the world that could shake her. Drogo wondered when Valen would run off to the next temple begging absolution again... the priests were getting tired of telling her that her list of good deeds was getting embarrassingly long, so they'd taken to tacking it up on the temple doors to try to save time.

As he pondered the girls, Solaufein came up to him, faked a right cross, then an uppercut, and gave him one hell of a slap on the shoulder—his good one, thankfully, although that card was so unpredictable that he just might have slugged him in the big bruise to get a reaction. "Hot damn, Drogo, but were or were not those wenches at the Mithrest THE FINEST PIECES OF ASS IN ALL OF AMN?" He laughed cruelly, as he always did when discussing his latest exploit with the dozens of women he notched into Sanchuudoku's hilt. "Well, excepting maybe that pair at the Five Flagons, but I'll be damned if I can even get it up for less than two halflings at a time, if you know what I mean!"

Drogo was about to explain that he was sure he didn't when something caught the drow's eye and his features turned to a lascivious sneer. "Hey, Immy. Didja ever hear the one about the man from Wheeling? You see, he was taken with a very peculiar feeling—hey! Come back here, little girl!" Imoen made for the hills but Solaufein, inevitably, was faster. Why she bothered resisting his advances anymore was beyond Drogo. No woman could.

Ah, friendship. "Sometimes, it's good to be the Bhaalspawn," thought Drogo.
Cespenar says, "Kelsey and friends be at the Pocket Plane? Ohhh yesssss!" http://www.pocketplane.net

Offline jcompton

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Re: Less-Respectable Works of Cromptni
« Reply #3 on: September 15, 2005, 10:30:49 AM »
Redemption In Imnesvale

*KILL*

Number 8 staggered.

*KILL*

Number 8 scrabbled for a foothold in the gravel.

*KILL*

Number 8 found her footing.

*REVENGE*

Number 8 looked around, regarded. In the company of mates.

She clucked in approval.

Good. She would need them.

*good*

Number 8's recovery had been much speedier than those of her fellows--that's why the giants had released her on her own recognizance from the pen so quickly.

Of course Number 8 was different.

She was smarter.

*nice number 8*

She clucked in delight, then remembered herself.

There would be time for victorious clucking later.

*number 8 only takes what's hers*

So many things were hers. The breeze through her feathers. The worm foolishly poking up its head for air. The millet upon the ground.

But that would never be enough. The treatment wouldn't work on her. Giants be damned.

*DAMNED*

There was a hole the size of a diamond in Number 8. And she meant to see it filled once more.
Cespenar says, "Kelsey and friends be at the Pocket Plane? Ohhh yesssss!" http://www.pocketplane.net

Offline jcompton

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Re: Less-Respectable Works of Cromptni
« Reply #4 on: April 05, 2008, 12:04:42 AM »
A Tribute to the New Imoen.org Girl

Sadly, I really can't push past this vague impression of a scene, and can't particularly justify more effort than this, so I'm just going to throw these fragments out as a public domain exercise for those of you who are suffering through this dark patch of imoen.org limbo.



Fragment 1

Behind Juniper, the door croaked open languidly, hesitantly.

Damn. Imoen.

Juniper frowned and braced for the inevitable. Her sister could footpad her way past a finicky librarian with ESP. Imoen must want to be found. And that could only mean...

"Heya, Sis! I got a catalog for ya to look through!"

...that summer vacation was drawing to a close, and Imoen was selling faucets and plumbing supplies for book money.

Again.



Fragment 2

The berserker was a notoriously hard sell, but Imoen, in typically unsinkable* fashion, persisted. Juniper had calmly and delicately tried to explain to her that Anomen's candy drive for the Order's orphan fund had ended in an all-out brawl that cost the knight four teeth and left Korgan with a compound femoral fracture. But Imoen was having none of it.

"C'mon, Korgan. You'll open up your pores! Once we dig out all those blackheads, anyway."

"Sacrifice me natural insulation? Are ye daft?" Korgan spat. "A man's crust is his last line o' defense, and I'll not be scrubbin' it away 'till me maker calls me to me final destiny."

He emphasized his point by pointing his elbow skyward and taking a good, hearty snort of his own armpit. Juniper felt her gorge rise, and Imoen gained a greenish tinge and wobbled slightly, but forged ahead regardless.

"Aw, you'll love it. There's so much more entertaining you can do when you've got a clean home full of proper, high-quality indoor plumbing! And... and I really have a lot of books to buy this semester! It's like these professors don't even care how expensive it is to take their class!"

Juniper sensed that Imoen was starting to sound just a bit desperate. After all, Korgan's idea of a solid evening's entertainment was to set two dogs on each other, then roast and eat the winner.

Imoen searched about the room for an ally. "Branwen! Tell him. Tell Korgan how that sauna you bought through me changed your life!"

The big blonde beamed from her nearby chair. "'Tis true, Korgan-boy! Changed my life! There's nothing in the world like a good, long steam with a boon companion."

Branwen licked her lips, settling back into a memory, then sat back up, board-stiff. "Where is that strapping elfie? It's been far too long since I've had a man sweaty and fatigued with naught but a towel between his dignity and unbridled bliss. Coran? Coran! Your time has come!"

* - No pun intended, gentle readers.
Cespenar says, "Kelsey and friends be at the Pocket Plane? Ohhh yesssss!" http://www.pocketplane.net