Author Topic: Cloakwood Squares, Game 1  (Read 6772 times)

Offline jcompton

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Cloakwood Squares, Game 1
« on: April 02, 2004, 11:35:00 AM »
Somewhere between "fanfic" and "an incredible waste of time" is Cloakwood Squares, a small joke gone horribly wrong. I got started when I remarked today that in Weimer's Solaufein mod, Solaufein seemed to become the "center square" of the game, and I just couldn't stop myself...


From the Male Fighter's Society, Solaufein!

From Thay, Edwin Odesseiron!

Formerly of Suldenesselar, Jon Irenicus!

From Jansen GadgetWorks, Jan Jansen!

From Forgotten Wars, Kelsey!

From the Order of the Most Radiant Heart, Anomen Delryn!

From House DeVir, Viconia DeVir!

From Candlekeep, Imoen!

And from Rashemen and the Center Square, Minsc...and Boo!

All in the CLOAKWOOD SQUARES!


Code: [Select]
Solaufein      Jan            Imoen



Anomen      Minsc & Boo      Irenicus



Edwin        Kelsey          Viconia


And here's the master of the Cloakwood Squares, our host, Lord Keldorn Firecam!

<audience applauds>

Keldorn: Greetings, greetings to one and all. I welcome you all heartily to another edition of the Cloakwood Squares.

Keldorn: My Lord X this evening is the dapper elf Salvanas. Greetings to you, my Lord.

Salvanas: Oh, a pleasure it is to meet you, Sir Keldorn. Are you not the husband of the belle of the Government District, Maria Firecam? Such a lovely bride...and do you not have daughters as well, flowering to womanhood?

Keldorn: Indeed, but that is a matter for another time, sir.

Keldorn: Our Lady Circle this evening is Tiana, who hails from Athkatla and... it says here styles herself a "ruthless woman of business."

Tiana: You can't pull one over on me! I know what you're up to!

Keldorn: Indeed. Good luck to you, lady, on tonight's program.

Keldorn: As you know, the object of our game is to capture three squares across, up and down, or diagonally. Each game is worth 100 gold.
Lady Tiana, you won the Divine Randomization backstage, you may choose first.

Tiana: Errr... I'll start with Imoen.

Imoen: Twenty-seven!

Keldorn: I have not yet asked the question, young lady.

Imoen: Nuts. Oh well, I'm gonna say "twenty-seven" no matter what it is.

Keldorn: Imoen!

Imoen: Sorry, geez, ask the question.

Keldorn: In a game of pub darts, what point total are the players
usually trying to achieve: 300, 301, or 302?

Imoen: I knew I was on to something with twenty-seven.

<audience laughs>

Imoen: Uhhhh. I usually donít go to play darts, but 301 sounds good.

Tiana: What a stupid question! "Playing darts"? Is that what they call it these days at those...at those...DENS OF INIQUITY?

Keldorn: Please, my lady, merely agree or disagree with her answer.

Tiana: I disagree!

Keldorn: My apologies, Lady Tiana, but young Imoen was right. X gets the square.

Imoen: Shoulda listened to me, cranky.

<Audience laughs>


<Board layout>
Code: [Select]
                                X
Solaufein      Jan            Imoen




Anomen      Minsc & Boo      Irenicus




Edwin        Kelsey            Viconia


Keldorn: Please, Salvanas, choose a square.

Salvanas: Ooooh...it's so hard to decide between them...but I must choose the honeydew melon of my heart, Imoen.

Keldorn: You already have that square, sir...you must choose another.

Anomen: What a pathetic gameplayer!

Salvanas: Oh, well, then, that's easy, I long for the dusky rose of the Underdark with all my heart.

Keldorn: I presume you refer to... the drow.

Keldorn: Very well, drow, your question which I am oath-bound to deliver without further comment:

Viconia: I am all ears, over-pious jaluk.

<Audience laughs>

Keldorn: Hrrrmph.

Keldorn: Drow, where can you find the Vulgar Monkey?

Viconia: In a handmaiden's bedchamber. Knowing merely half of what they do together would torment your nightmares for weeks.

<Audience laughs>

Viconia: Fools! I was not serious. The Vulgar Monkey is a tavern located in Beregost, frequented by rivvil of all revolting shapes and sizes.

Salvanas: Oh, my mistress of molasses, I must disagree...one of my dearest, er, friends is from Beregost. I would know.

Keldorn: The Vulgar Monkey can be found in Brynnlaw. Torm's mercy upon its patrons. X gets the square.




<board layout>
Code: [Select]
                                X
Solaufein      Jan            Imoen




Anomen      Minsc & Boo      Irenicus



                                X
Edwin        Kelsey            Viconia




Tiana: I'll take Irenicus to block.

Keldorn: Jon Irenicus, if I were diagnosed with hypothermia, what should I do first?

Irenicus: Die in horrible agony, worm.

<Audience laughs uneasily>

Irenicus: I believe the application of a cool compress is the proper approach to dealing with such a petty matter of no substance or import.

Tiana: Ehhhh... he looks like a liar to me! I disagree!

Keldorn: One should put the affected flesh in a basin of warm water, you were quite right to disagree, Lady Tiana. Circle gets the square.


Code: [Select]
                                X
Solaufein      Jan            Imoen



                                O
Anomen      Minsc & Boo      Irenicus



                                X
Edwin        Kelsey          Viconia



Minsc: Hello! When is somebody going to select Minsc and Boo? We have delayed much butt-kicking to be sitting in this cramped square today!

<audience laughs>

Keldorn: Patience, my friend. you must wait until the contestants call upon you.

Minsc: Boo is very smart, and will give you the right answers. Do not be afraid to select us!

Keldorn: Please select a square, Mister Salvanas.

Salvanas: Truly, his face seems familiar... as though we have met once before, another time, another place, another face... I will choose Edwin, if for no other reason than to have something to remember her by.

Edwin: What? Ignorant monkey! What do you imply? (careful, careful, let us not refresh the memories of these ignorant jellies)

Keldorn: Wizard, without consulting your spell book, what is the duration of a Vocalize spell?

Edwin: I knew it, tedious regurgitation questions. The Red Wizards will pay for sending me here to plug their latest cookbook.

<audience laughs>

Edwin: That was not a joke, you simians!

<audience laughs louder>

Edwin: Bah! It is...ehhhh...what do you think it is?

Keldorn: I cannot help you, wizard.

Edwin: It is...it is five minutes, damn you.

Salvanas: I do believe he is correct.

Keldorn: Indeed. X gets the square.

Edwin: I will be expecting proper tribute if you win this game, ingrate.





<board layout>
Code: [Select]
                                X
Solaufein      Jan            Imoen



                                O
Anomen      Minsc & Boo      Irenicus



  X                              X
Edwin        Kelsey            Viconia



Keldorn: Lady Tiana, it is your move.

Tiana: Bastard! You leave me with nothing! I have to pick the nut with the hamster!

Keldorn: Very good, lady. Minsc--

Minsc: Yes? What? What have Minsc and Boo won? Boo is so excited!

<audience laughs>

Keldorn: No, my friend, you have not won, but you may well play a pivotal role in the completion of this game.

Minsc: We will do everything we can to help the good and righteous player prevail! Ehhh... which is which? We must squint to see you from here in this square!

<audience laughs>

Keldorn: Please, Minsc, just focus your attention on answering the question at hand. That is all you need do.

Keldorn: Minsc, is orange roughy really orange?

Minsc: First of all, hello lady! Thank you for choosing Minsc and Boo!

Minsc: Boo does not like seafood, it makes his belly quite swollen and the stench is...well, it does not befit a hamster of his stature.

<Audience laughs>

Minsc: And Minsc does not favor the sea... it is much easier to find evil when one's feet are planted firmly on the ground! So we must guess, and say that yes, smart men named the fish because the fish is orange.

Tiana: I think that big buffoon has it right, I agree.

Keldorn: Yes, it is true, they are reddish in the sea and orange after they are caught. Circle gets the square.

Minsc: Oh glorious day! Minsc and Boo saved the day once again!




<board layout>
Code: [Select]
                                X
Solaufein      Jan            Imoen


                  O            O
Anomen      Minsc & Boo      Irenicus



  X                              X
Edwin        Kelsey            Viconia



Keldorn: Salvanas, choose a square.

Salvanas: With no beauties left to select, I suppose I'll just have to play the GAME...oh well, I'll take Kelsey for the win.

Kelsey: Don't do me any favors.

<audience laughs>

Keldorn: Focus, young man.

Keldorn: Kelsey, what does a Cowled Wizard charge for an Athkatlan magic license?

Kelsey: That all depends on how much Mrs. Cowled Wizard spent at the Promenade the day before.

<audience laughs>

Kelsey: No, seriously. I know this, I just had to get one. 2500 gold.

Salvanas: I think that's right, I'll agree.

Keldorn: Nay, young Kelsey has bluffed you. The Cowled Ones charge 5000 gold, and circle gets the square.




<board layout>
Code: [Select]
                                  X
Solaufein      Jan            Imoen


                O                O
Anomen      Minsc & Boo      Irenicus



  X            O              X
Edwin        Kelsey            Viconia



Tiana: I'll take Jan to WIN!

Jan: Oh golly. A victory here would be beyond compare. Unless you compared it with the victory of Cousin Herb's conquest of the Eastern Turmish Raiders back in '21, when he held off an entire dromidary cavalry charge with nothing but the wind at his backside and a Jansen Rapid-Fire Blowgun at his disposal. It was truly an epic event in the history of Faerun, at least as chronicled in Uncle Gerhart's A Complete History of Faerun, a 392-volume tome that he's had to move to a pocket plane to keep from falling through the floor at the old Jansen Compound. The funny thing about the plane--

Keldorn: Master Jansen, please! For you this may be a pleasant diversion, but this game is a matter of pride and honor to its participants! I ask that you treat it with respect.

Jan: Okay, Kelly, you don't have to shout. A man must be true to his turnip.

Keldorn: Jan, what "skill" do Bounty Hunters seek to master above all others?

Jan: Well, if it ain't turnip peeling, they're no friends of mine.

<audience laughs>

Keldorn: Master Jansen, please, this is only a half-hour program. Please, try to contain your remarks.

Jan: Oh, all right. It's funny you mention containers, though, as I've just put the finishing touches on a toenail jar that I hope the losing contestant won't mind as a consolation prize. It's not for toenails, you see, it's made OF toenails. Mine, primarily, but Kylie, bless her heart, has been scrounging the slums for toenail clippings like a real trooper.

Jan: Anyway, when they're not generally stinking up the local gin mills, they practice being very sneaky and very quiet. That's how one hunts a bounty.

Tiana: I'll agree with the pickle nose.

Keldorn: Nay, they practice setting traps, to catch their bounty. X gets the square.

Jan: Oh, right, that too.

<audience laughs>



<board layout>
Code: [Select]
                X                X
Solaufein      Jan            Imoen


                O              O
Anomen      Minsc & Boo      Irenicus



  X            O              X
Edwin        Kelsey            Viconia



Keldorn: Choose a square, Salvanas.

Salvanas: I choose Solaufein, for the win. Oh, to win and clear the board, that I might choose the day-lily and the night rose once more...yes, that is my true dream. Wait for me ladies, I beseech you!

Keldorn: Very well. Solaufein?

Solaufein: Yes, I hear you, comrade Keldorn. Whatever else may come between us, at this moment I cling to your words as a dying man clings to his bedspread, as a drunkard clings to his bottle, alternating praise and damnation upon the cork.

Salvanas: Should I maybe choose someone else?

Keldorn: Nay, the choice is made, and a fine one. Solaufein, are you prepared?

Solaufein: Indeed. What strange, joyous irony that I, who have settled many--some days, I fear, too many--hundreds of contests with sword and spell and blood, am now the linchpin in a friendly, even frivolous battle of wit and wisdom! Truly, there is hope for our mortal coil.

Keldorn: If a thief invited you to try on "King's plate", what would be be asking you to don?

Solaufein: Another man's clothing--his life, his role, his shackles. Yes, friend contestant, "King's plate" are shackles, but surely, we wear them all, forged in life, carried in death.

Salvanas: Uh, what did he say?

Keldorn: The drow said that "King's plate" refers to shackles.

Salvanas: Oh. Uh. I, uh, agree! Please let it be right!

Keldorn: Chains, or shackles, yes, X gets the square and the win. Congratulations, sirrah!




<board layout>
Code: [Select]

    X          X                X
Solaufein      Jan            Imoen


                O              O
Anomen      Minsc & Boo      Irenicus



  X            O              X
Edwin        Kelsey            Viconia



Solaufein: Savor your victory while you may. All we are is dust in the wind.

Imoen: Can't we just enjoy the game and not ponder its cosmic significance?

Minsc: Did Minsc and Boo help the nice man win?

Anomen: What? I was not even asked a question! The Order will hear of this waste of time!
« Last Edit: July 30, 2004, 10:09:32 PM by jcompton »
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